Author: watson
Rating: Episodes are PG-13, Recaps and Behind-the-scenes are R or more.
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialog belong to Mutant Enemy, The WB, UPN and others. The Amazing Race belongs to CBS, Amazing Race Productions Inc, Touchstone Television Productions Inc, Jerry Bruckheimer Productions and others.

Episode Recap

Before the start, they flash one of those public warnings that some or part of the program may be disturbing to some viewers and viewer discretion is advised. I wonder if we will see Xander's eyepatch fall out to reveal wires and electronic parts, or if Snyder is going to murder Flutie or vice versa. Hmmm.

Episode Two opens with Phil doing his walking, talking and looking yummy at the same time gig, surrounded by neatly trimmed trees, carefully co-ordinated flower beds and grass that's impossibly green. Phil is in a light blue flower-patterned cotton shirt and dark blue pants. Not many men can look this sharp in a shirt like this, but Phil's not 'many' men. I'm in a good mood already.

Phil tells us we are at Sandringham House, where the British Royal Family spend their Christmases every year. I wonder if they go boating on the Norfolk Broads like our racers last episode, or if they partake in the locally produced turkey or crab. This imposing house, which has been a royal residence since the 1860s, was the first Pitstop of our race around the world.

At this first Pitstop, Phil tells us, teams eat, sleep and mingle with the other racers. We see them at a long wooden table and bench, stuffing their faces with beef and Yorkshire pudding or shepherd's pie or bubble and squeak or any of the huge assortment of funny sounding English food available here. The younger couples seem to sit together, while the older racers have another huddle. All hail the dawning of alliances.

We see them in a little pub-like place and there's dancing, games and general socializing. Lorne is there without make-up, looking quite handsome and happily dancing with his team-mate. Randy and Robin are playing darts, Randy's platinum blonde hair and pale skin a sharp contrast with Robin's dark good looks. Phil wonders if Snyder's disciplinarian attitude will be a hindrance, and if April & Andrew can get themselves out of last place. Let's hope they navigate better this leg.

Which starts at 5.18am for Rupert & Randy. They rip the clue envelope and discover they are to drive 155 miles to Canterbury, Kent and find the Canterbury Tales Exhibition. Inside the exhibition they have to find answers to 5 questions they are given on a piece of card.

"We ran a good first leg, partly because my father knows his way around. I think we've put our differences behind us and are working well together," says Randy. His cheekbones almost puncturing a hole on my screen. I want to like this team, right now I can manage 50%, I like Rupert, I think he's shown his determination to not let his age hamper him. Randy is a bit of a poser, he hasn't proved himself to be of any use yet, apart from chewing up the scenery.

Next to leave are Xander & Anya. She looks pretty with her hair tied up, I almost forget her whining from the last leg. She reads out one of the pop quiz questions, "How many husbands did the Wife of Bath have?" Gosh, how many did she need?

The twins are dressed in different outfits today, phew, I thought I was gonna have another hard time telling them apart (not). "We have a good feeling about this leg, we're in third place and we can definitely move up, I can just feel it," Glory says. I feel a cold shiver crawl its way up my spine, sounds too much like famous last words to me.

The YDC alliance leave together. It's still dark but we could see Robin's toothy grin and Buffy's blonde highlights. Not to mention the Lovebird's matching psychedelic outfits. "Right now we've formed a sort of alliance with Buffy & Riley and Willow & Tara. The athletes are physically strong, probably on par with us. The girls are not so, but Willow's really smart and she's gonna be useful in solving puzzles," Faith explained.

Adam & Oz gets the clue and drive off, they say nothing. Lorne & Cordy, on the other hand, have a little group hug action before the start, Lorne has make-up on again and an extremely ridiculous floppy orange sunhat, even though the sun's still asleep. I can't decide if this team is over the top or just idiosyncratic. They've been clueless at the computer challenge, but have stayed out of trouble later on.

Snyder & Flutie's turn. They rip the clue envelope violently and we hear another pop quiz question, "How many hens did the cock have in his governance to give him pride and all pleasance?" Okay I have to laugh at this. All the teams presumably have to read the questions out loud, but the Amazing Editors choose to let us hear it from this pair. How hilarious to hear Snyder utter "cock" with a distasteful sneer. I have to rewind and listen again, I can't stop sniggering.

Joyce & Sheila, looking like thinner versions of the Bowling Moms, set off. April & Andrew last, she's wearing an impossibly small pink T-shirt, I can't get over how thin she is.

"If we don't get our acts together we're going to get totally whipped," he says. He has this whiny nasal voice that kinda grates after a while. Keep your mouth shut Andrew. Or I'll be the one to whip you and it will be in a kinky way.

Cars blipvert to teams arriving at Canterbury, Kent. Quaint little houses, a pedestrianized central zone, a big cathedral. Hmmm, if I don't know better I may think we're still in Norwich. Are all medium-sized English towns like this?

Turns out this Canterbury Tales Exhibition is in a converted church and tells Chaucer's Pilgrim Tales using animation, sounds and even smell. It's apparently very popular with schools, teachers take the kids who are studying the book. Wow, I read one of those Tales online, and it's a challenge to trawl through 600 lines of verse. I don't envy those students, no siree.

Oooops, it's a mini-bunching. Opening time is 10am. R.Randy is disappointed and Randy does a little dance of frustration. Come on guys, it's only a wait of an hour or so, we've had bunching way longer than this. Just you wait, I say in my best Eliza Doolittle voice.

All the teams except the Moms and AAbot arrive before opening time. Some of them may have driven a wee bit faster than the speed limit, but we don't see that. In fact, the Moms arrive just as the doors to the Exhibition open and they, too, jostle to buy the entrance tickets. Okay, now I'm fearing for AAbot again, have they been attacked by the GetLostinForeignParts monster again?

The sight of 10 teams trying to cram into the tiny space in front of the exhibits reminds me of horses jostling for position at the beginning of a race. There's pushing and more pushing. Not surprisingly it's Adam with the advantage cos he can see above the rest.

In order to answer the questions, the teams have to watch the animation, usually all the way through. Or look carefully at pictures. I think the questions are pretty amusing, makes me think the Amazing Producers have a warped sense of humor:

Who were the 4 gods involved in the final battle between Arcite and Palamon?
What natural disaster did the student tell the carpenter will befall them next Monday?
How many husbands did the Wife of Bath have?
How many hens did the cock have in his governance to give him pride and all pleasance?
The 3 drunkards found 8 bushels of what?

Some teams seem to enjoy the exhibition more than the others, there's a shot of Rupert, Joyce, Sheila and Flutie around some pictures and they look like they're appraising some work of art, not in a race. Which should be their focus. Come on old folks, quit dawdling!

The younger teams think differently, and impatiently sit through the sequence. Did I mention the space available is small? It makes it even more difficult to hide the answers from other teams, so the YDC alliance don't even try and start checking with each other.

It works out for them, the YDC alliance give their answers to a guy in medieval costume, presumably one of the pilgrims, who checks their answers and give them their clue. TallShort, with their height advantage (both Adam looking over the heads of other people and Oz crawling underneath) finish next. The older teams - R.Randy, the Principals and the Moms have also latched onto the concept of working together and they get the clue. The rest finish as well, even AAbot who arrived late, it's only a matter of making the rounds on the exhibition and writing the answer, even a 10 year old can do it.

Next comes the Detour, Phil tells us the choice is between Fruit Farm and Fruit Machine. In Fruit Farm, teams go to a PYO farm and harvest either apples, cherries or gooseberries, the amount depends on the fruit they choose. In Fruit Machine, teams go to the seaside, play on specially designated slot machines, the task is complete when they strike 3 cherries.

Going to the farm is safe, but filling the containers may take a while. Playing the slot machines is potentially quick, but it depends on luck. Phil's wise words.

The YDC alliance splits, America's Golden Couple and Lovebirds go for the Farm, the Marathoners go for the gambling. I've decided to change Faith & Robin's nick, they run marathons, so they become the Marathoners, okay? Not too confusing? Anyway TallShort, the Principals and R.Randy go for the Farm.

The Moms waste time debating where to go, Sheila wants to go for the slot machines while Joyce wants to play safe and go for the Farm, they can't decide. "Most of the physical teams went for the fruit picking, I just don't think we can be that quick, why not take a chance?" Sheila voice-overs. She gets her way at the end, will the decision come back to bite them in the butt?

They are joined by the Pirates, AAbot, the Actors and the Twins. All figure that the uncertainty of the task is worth the risk if they want to jump ahead. "I'm good with buttons and joysticks," adds Andrew. Please tell me there's no sexual subtext in that statement.

Meanwhile at the Farm, teams take their pick of fruits. America's Golden Couple opt for apples and the Lovebirds for the cherries. Is there a hidden meaning there? For some reason imagining the Lovebirds in the middle of a cherry orchard is just too suggestive for me, I know, I know, it's my mind in the gutter. TallShort, not surprisingly, go for the apples to take advantage of Adam's height. R.Randy and the Principals head for the gooseberry bush.

As expected, Adam makes short work [*groan*] of shaking the apples from the trees, while Oz diligently pick them up from the ground. That is, when he's not in the background grinning like an idiot, jumping up and down trying to reach a branch. What are you doing Oz-man? If I get a dollar for every time that Oz tries to be funny, I'm afraid I'll have to declare bankruptcy.

America's Golden Couple tries the same trick (shake and gather, not do an impression of an Ewok on crack), but they're simply not as ruthlessly efficient. Or they haven't had their morning snort yet.

I see the Principals and R.Randy at the gooseberries and I start singing "here we go round the gooseberry bush." I am in a weird mood today. At least I'm not singing "I'm too sexy for my fruit." Snerk.

At the unknown seaside town, the gamblers get started. They get a bucket of tokens and set to work on some old looking machines. No fancy sound effects, no special blinking lights, I think these machines date back to when Elvis was in diapers. Vegas we are not in. There's no skill involved. Insert a token, press a button, get excited for a microsecond, then start again. Inserting tokens and pressing a button at a peep show gets a higher excitement quotient.

The only one who looks remotely into the task is Andrew. He explains that he's the world's biggest geek and lives, breaths and dreams electronic games. He's like a little kid, I just want to ruffle his hair, except I'm not sure if I'll get bitten by lice or whatnot.

We go back to the Farm, and what perfect timing (I know, it's editing, don't spoil my fun!), it's like we're sneaking up to a rare private moment not often afforded to the racers. The viewing of said private moment makes me feel like a voyeur yet I can't tear my eyes away and it makes me warm all over. Who would've thought a measly few minutes of airtime can have so much ahhhhh factor?

The camera sneaks up on Willow & Tara who, remember, are the only team picking cherries. Now I never realized cherry trees are this high, despite a childhood brainwashed by George Washington stories. Anyway the trees are tall enough to hide our Lovebirds from view, and presumably the Amazing Cameraman too. Looks like they're nearly finished with their task and they have purple juice all over them.

Willow asks Tara how long she thinks they've been doing this and Tara says may be 20 minutes, but they're nearly finished. They look at their booty and say at the same time, "Wonder how they taste?"

They break out into giggles, Willow suggests they try just one but Tara reminds her of the task and they shouldn't be wasting their efforts. That girl's been a little mousey so far, but she's got that sensible vibe about her. Willow does an amazingly cute impression of batting her eyelids and quicker than you can say "hot girl action" they're feeding each other and licking juice off each other's fingers. I hold my breath.

And we fade to commercials.

I've never been so mad at a commercial break before cos I'm willing to bet my usual $1 (plus every other dollar I have in my under-bed piggy bank) that they smooch. Guess it goes beyond PG-13, hee. Or CBS is waiting for an appropriate moment to air the Lovebirds' first kiss, after a copious amount of hype and advertising. If that's the case my hatred for CBS goes up another notch.

Reluctantly we go back to the seaside and the Marathoners do the impossible and get their 3 cherries. A gush of tokens spit out from the bowels of the ancient slot machine, they woo-hoo and bring their winnings to exchange for a clue.

They are now the 'Currently in First Place' team. The clue tells them to drive to Ashford and catch the Eurostar train to Calais, France. Once they reach Calais they are to find the Auchen hypermarket where they will find their next clue.

Adam & Oz haul their, um, haul of apples to be weighed and get their clue. R.Randy and America's Golden Couple too. I'm tired of typing 'America's Golden Couple', my fingers itch and it's not nanowrimo, so henceforth they're known as the Goldies, okay?

We cut to the Moms, who strike it rich. I'm just relieved for Sheila, for escaping the Wrath of Joyce. While they're collecting their tokens, April squeal a scream of victory as AAbot get their 3 cherries.

The Marathoners arrive at Ashford, and it's ridiculously easy to find the train station. Yay for clearly marked British road signs! They jump out of their car to get the tickets.

Elsewhere at the farm, the Lovebirds emerge from their cherry orchard. My mind is firmly stuck in the gutter (or clouds?), cos they seem to be a little behind. What happened after the mutual fingerlicking yummy goodness that we got so rudely cut off from? They must have lost a good, what 15 minutes? Enough for ... something.

Rapido editing between the Principals and the Pirates as they achieve the impossible, finish a task simultaneously while in different places. Yeah, I'm such a sad fuck, I make my own fun, shoot me.

I checked on mapquest, it's only a 14 mile drive from Canterbury to Ashford, there shouldn't be any problems, no? Ah. Famous last words. The Principals go the wrong way on a roundabout and get truly clobbered by other cars. There's a whole lot of beeping of car horns and cover-up for swearing, the Amazing Editors give up and put a musical segment in instead, but I can read the 'fucks' coming out of Snyder's lips as he tries to reverse the car a) without getting hit by other cars and b) before the police arrives. He revs the car so much I'm almost afraid he'll blow it up.

The Marathoners buy tickets. There's a train leaving for Calais at 12.59, they made it with minutes to spare. Now, will the other teams arrive in time? They grab their tickets and sprint to the train.

At the seaside, Lorne is beginning to lose his cool, droplets of make-up melt from his face, his sunhat having long disappeared. Ben kicks the slot machine in frustration. Tokens continue to be fed but results are not forthcoming. Things look grim.

TallShort get into the Ashford carpark and jog towards the ticket office. Are they in time? Are they too late? Will they show enough emotion to help me out in my recap? Turns out they make it, and the murderous look on the Marathoners as they board the train is worth its weight in gold.

R.Randy and the Goldies arrive, and find out they missed the train. The ticket clerk patiently explains the next train is at 17.59. My jaw drops to the floor and break into 18 different pieces when I realize that's the Marathoners and TallShort have a 5 hour headstart. That's a hell of a big lead.

Other teams trickle in to be told the news. At least they're all going to be bunched together, and unless something completely disastrous happens, one of the teams not currently on a train will face elimination.

Remember the Principals? And remember what I said about blowing up their car? Famous last words indeed. May be I should have chosen that as the episode title. The sorry hunk of metal is parked on the curb of the Roundabout of Doom, steam wafting out from the hood, at least they have enough sense to just open it a little to let the steam out. Flutie is trying to flag down passing motorist while Snyder is screaming, kicking the tires, in general acting the complete prat. I swear there's more steam coming out from his ears than the hood. A passing motorist stops and they get the engine cooled down and water added.

Lorne, Cordy, Ben and Glory, still back at the slot machines, don't realize they have a good few hours to complete their task. Their frustration levels are sky high. "It's a challenge that puts you completely in the hands of fate, I guess luck wasn't with us. I was this close to giving up," Cordy interviews.

Finally the gods of fruitless gambling take pity on the pairs and give them their 3 cherries. They scurry to their cars and head for Ashford. "We're dead," laments Ben.

At the Grand Central of Hopeless Despair they are ecstatic, to the point of euphoria, when they find 7 other teams camped out in the waiting room. Stupid bunching.

"Right now we're at Ashford station, waiting for a train to France. Faith, Robin, Adam and Oz took an earlier train and they're 5 hours ahead of everyone else, the mood here is killing me. I wish I were on that other train," Anya complains. Yeah, you and 17 other people, lady.

The two teams in front emerge from Calais station, have no trouble getting a taxi and arrive at the hypermarket. It's like Costco, only you don't need to buy in bulk. And, duh, signs are in French.

It's a Roadblock. This time Faith takes it and groans as she discovers the task is to run through the store to "buy" a list of common French grocery products. The twist is they are given 35 Euros and have to purchase all the items within budget.

Faith grabs one of those supersized carts and charges off, followed by Oz, who looks like he's about to be consumed by these giant carts. I think their choice of who takes the Roadblock is smart, they may need Robin or Adam later on for more strength or height related tasks.

Faith finishes first, pays the cashier and gets the next clue which instructs them to find Gilbert's Tomb within the Catacombs of Paris. She and Robin run to get a taxi, and express their excitement about going to Paris.

Oz is having trouble with his last items, he has to go almost all the way back to the entrance, which costs him precious minutes.

The Marathoners buy tickets for the 16.32 Paris train, they note that the trip is just over 2 hours. "I saw Oz running all the way back to the other side, I think he forgot something," Faith reported to her partner. He tries to hide a smirk, but doesn't do very well.

Oz completes the task and he and Adam throw themselves into a taxi. Was that emotion I see?

The first train for Paris leaves Calais with Faith & Robin onboard.

Oz and Adam reaches the station, they miss the train. The next one will be an hour later, but arrives only 19 minutes after the one the Marathoners are on. "We're still a long time ahead of the rest of the field, so we're confident," says Adam.

The second train for Paris leaves Calais, carrying Adam & Oz.

Back at the Grand Central of Hopeless Despair, aka Ashford, teams board the second train to Calais. Triple speed fast forwarding and next thing, teams emerge from Calais station and pile into taxis. The French taxi drivers look on in barely concealed amusement. I expected taxi trouble, but all the drivers seem to know where Auchan supermarket is, may be that's the only attraction in the whole of Calais?

Mad scramble to get the clue and then a cart. Even though the store is enormous, the sight of 9 carts hurtling down the aisles is one to see, especially when they weave around like they have no idea where they're heading. The only one hanging back is Willow, scribbling furiously on her list with a tiny pencil, seems like she's plotting something.

Elsewhere in BumperCartLand a fight has broken out over obstruction and right of way. Woo-hoo! Cart-rage, the newest form of road-rage to hit France! Don't miss the action, the screaming, the sheer idiocy. Glory is engaged in a bitch-slapping contest with April and Lorne, whom she claimed worked together to block her. She doesn't seem to grasp that all's fair in love, war and supermarket scavenger hunts. Shut up, Glory.

You can tell who's used to this mayhem, as Sheila and Anya zip through the task with the ruthless efficiency of someone who does this every Saturday morning. Willow, having obviously planned the route through the store, is also doing well, and able to stay away from the hordes.

Buffy and Rupert, on the other hand, have the demeanor of fish completely out of water, wandering back and forth between sections, wasting energy and time. Golden Girl obviously doesn't do the grocery shopping in Goldenville; and Grandpa Rupert probably lives off cup noodles he buys at 7-11.

In no time at all (actually a fraction of a second due to editing), we see Anya, Sheila and Willow having their wares rung up. They're off to get the Paris train. Lorne finishes for his team, as does April. Flutie finishes also.

Pirates, Moms and Lovebirds arrive at Calais to find ... the ticket office closed. We zoom in on a clock that says 21.04. They try to find an official, anyone, who will sell them tickets. Joyce and Tara look at the timetable.

"When we got to Calais station, the ticket office was closed. Anya and Xander started looking for officials to explain the situation, complain, I don't know what. It's obvious the place was empty. Tara and I located a timetable posted at the side and it turned out that there weren't any more trains to Paris tonight, the earliest was at 5 o'clock next morning," Joyce interviews.

"It was the second time that day we were stuck at a train station, it was very frustrating," Sheila adds.

After securing their bags, the Lovebirds decide to go for a walk and we see them walking into the night, arms linked. Part of my mind is imagining that they've gone off to continue what they were doing at the cherry orchard earlier on in the day. Ahhhhh.

We've almost forgotten about Faith, Robin, Adam and Oz. Bad us! Slap on the wrist! The Marathoners jump off their train at Gare du Nord and into a taxi, heading for the Catacombs. The taxi driver gives them a distasteful look and mutter something in French, I'm only able to catch one word, 'mort' which means death. Looks like the guy doesn't want to drive to a place where presumably there's lots of dead bodies. I don't blame him.

The entrance of the Catacombs turns out to be a non-descript black iron door almost hidden amongst some vines in a dark, creepy street. May be it's my overworked imagination. Opening times, 9-11am and 2-4pm. That's it. May be the corpses need their rest, I dunno. The Marathoners are rightfully disappointed, their lead is all but gone.

TallShort arrive and greet the Marathoners, already cocooned in their sleeping bags and mini-tent. They do mental calculations and, yeah, bunching sucks. They bunk down for the night.

Back at Calais, the situation is no different. We see teams in their sleeping bags all lined up inside Calais station.

Before Sunrise. Calais. A group of extremely bleary-eyed individuals get their tickets and board the 05.03 train.

Sunrise. Paris. The Marathoners and TallShort snore away while dead bodies below them stir.

Après Sunrise. The peloton arrives at the gate to the Catacombs, to the slight surprise of the frontrunners, who say they think the others may have arrived in the middle of the night.

It's time. The black doors of the Catacombs squeak open and the teams enter into the Twilight Zone. A long, dark, narrow, wet tunnel brings them underground into an entrance chamber which leads to a dark opening. Over the entrance of the opening is a sign that says Arrête! C'est ici l'empire de la mort. In English, Stop! This is the empire of death.

What lies behind the opening is creepiest place I've ever seen, and I have been there myself. The Catacombs came to being in the late 18th century, when Paris was expanding like mad. They began to run out of space so the government decided to uproot the bones in the large cemeteries and placing the bones in underground quarries, thus freeing up the land. The skeletons were solemnly moved, stacked them up in neat walls of bones and skulls inside the caves. It's estimated that the remains of 5 to 6 million had been painstakingly removed and re-housed.

Only a small part is open to the public, and it's enough. Seeing all those bones and skulls is a humbling experience and brings home how fragile the human body is, how small we are in the great scheme of the universe, and brings home the reality of our own mortality. It's also very very scary.

Most of our racers are freaked, it's rare for me to be this sympathetic, but I feel for them. Tired, stressed-out and tense, the last thing they want is to be searching for a tomb in such a claustrophobically macabre location.

"I've visited the New Orleans Cemetery, it was a weird experience and I was a little scared. Going through the Catacombs was a thousand times worse, there were bones everywhere, skulls laughing at us, you could even touch them, I've never seen anything like it," says Lorne.

"I don't want to see anything like it, ever again," his partner adds.

Teams move through the chambers like the Grim Reaper is waiting for them around the next corner, sticking together for comfort. They find Gilbert's Tomb and the clue which tells them to take the Métro to La Défense and find La Grande Arche. This is the Pitstop for this leg of the race and the last team to arrive will be eliminated.

I'm rudely thrown back to reality. So it's another footrace then, seeing the teams are all bunched up. Oh great.

They fall over each other in their haste to get out of there and off they go to find the nearest Métro station, which the Editors tell us is Denfert Rochereau. The destination is La Défense, which even I know is on the far left of the map.

We go from bad to worse, AAbot, the Goldies and R.Randy left their backpacks at the entrance and are shocked to find that the exit a few streets away from the entrance. Shit! The guard at the entrance gives them directions and they run back.

Double shit! The Twins get into a taxi. What are they doing? The clue says take the Métro, there's nothing subway-like about a taxi. It's Heave all over again, don't they ever learn? Get out! Get out! Get out!

It's not as easy to find the station, the teams get split up in the narrow streets of Paris. We see the Pirates, TallShort and the Principals getting into one train. Then the Actors, Lovebirds, Moms and Marathoners into a second.

The Goldies, R.Randy and AAbot retrieve their backpacks and run to find the station.

Teams need to make a connection at an intermediary stop. Don't know if any of you have ever had to interchange at the Paris Métro, some of those connections make you walk a whole fucking mile, once you get underground it's a veritable maze of cigarette stalls, murals and buskers. But it's the endless walking that gets you in the end.

No surprise that Snyder is shouting at Flutie again. They're at an intersection and can't remember which line to take. Snyder's yelling, "I don't know if it's line A or line 1, they both say the same destination! Didn't you look at the map?" Flutie looks blank. They take line 1.

The Actors and Lovebirds have the sense to find a map and plan their route. Willow correctly deduces they need line A, which is the express. That girl is smart.

Meanwhile in the Taxi-that-is-not-the-Métro, the Twins realize their mistake. "Shit," Ben beeps. I can't hear him of course, but I can read lips. "The clue says take the Métro," he states the obvious. "We have to get out."

They get out of their taxi and tries to find a Métro station. Now, getting into a taxi against instructions is dumb. But getting out in the middle of nowhere? The dumbness of which I have no words for. Why didn't they take the taxi back to the Catacombs and start again? Dumb, dumb, dumb.

La Grande Arche at La Défense is a characterless white square with a hole in the middle, so uncharacteristically fugly, considering how much flair we expect from the French. Now, if we transplant this building to Germany, it'll be a post-modernist wonder. [sincere apologies to the Germans, I love you guys, really.] But the French? Disappointed now.

Thank god for Phil, the best looking person or object in the whole area. He waits patiently for the teams to arrive.

It's Pirate & Wench. Wow, second place last leg, first this leg. Welcome, you're team number one and you win a vacation in Mexico.

TallShort arrive next, some of their time advantage helping. They're team number two.

The Actors and Lovebirds are teams number three and four respectively.

R.Randy and AAbot change trains. The Goldies wander around the Métro system looking clueless, a far cry from the limos they normally travel in.

Back at the Amazing Bathmat, amazingly it's the Principals who get in next, they're team number five.

The Moms are team number six, the Marathoners check-in as team number seven.

R.Randy arrive finally, they're team number eight. AAbot are team number nine.

We've lost the Twins. There's no suspense as the Goldies come up to Phil, he does his stern, pitying look and tell them .. they're team number ten.

The Twins are here, they look dejected. Phil tells them that the bad news first, they took the taxi, against the rules of the clue, and will receive a time penalty. Then he really sticks it in and tells them the even worse news, they're the last team to arrive anyway, so even without the time penalty, they're out. That is one of the most humiliating Philminations I've ever seen.

"We started the leg well, we were in third place. Then everyone had train trouble and we thought we were in a decent position. Never expect our race to end like this, never, never," Glory says in shock. Well my pretty, it's ended.

Today's lesson? Read. the. clue. They didn't, so Goodbye Twins.

Teaser for Episode 3

Shot of a French shopkeeper yelling and gesticulating wildly as teams going through mountains of postcards spread out all over the floor.

"I think we atom bombed his shop," says Andrew.

Shot of a pile-up of bodies at what looks like an obstacle course in the trees.

Anya arguing with Xander, "I'm not going to the casino, why do you want to go gambling again? You're getting as stupid as your father, Xander. And I'm still not sharing the prize with him."

"You leave my old man out of this," Xander retorts.

Useful links & information

Canterbury Tales Exhibition

Answers to the Canterbury Tales questions: 1. Saturn, Venus, Mars, Diana | 2. flood | 3. five | 4. seven | 5. gold

Map of the Catacombs
Pictures of the Catacombs - warning! don't click if you get freaked easily
Searchable Métro map