TARCON:
TWENTY THINGS
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Author: watson (additional snarkage by Carleen) One So, tradition dictates that I should start with shoes. {**Since when to you hold to tradition?**} My shoes. Dayum. You want to know what shoes I wore to TARCon? {**I'm sure they don't...but you're gonna tell them anyway, huh?**} My brand new red Camper boots, that's what, and they were a blast, cos everybody commented on them. I'd like to think it's because of how attention grabbing they were, but the Chicago contingent said it was because I looked like a complete dork. Yeah, well, what do you Mid-Westerners know about hip European shoes? {**Speaking just for myself...very, very little. Praise be all the deities in existence!**} Hip or dorky, they were comfy. And it made standing outside in the line to get into the bar so much more bearable. {**So did the flask you had in your back pocket.**} Yeah, the bouncers didn't give me preferential treatment, I was going to complain but I couldn't be bothered. I was attending with my beta and the rest of our entourage {**Or, was it a coterie?**}, on the way there I insisted that we made a special trip to the Papaya King on E86th Street for hot doggery {**Doggery?**} goodness. {**Far too phallic for my tastes...I had a Diet Coke.**} Just as well, cos that was the only solid food I was able to scrounge that evening. Yeah, the bar service was great, the non-stop martinis even better, but what was totally lacking? Snacks of any kind. [** Or may be the Couch Baron ate them all. Love, Sars. **] [** No snark from the Chief Snarker on how long the cab ride was, all the way uptown, and to a corner store that had barely any standing room? Was the Diet Coke spiked? **] {**And why should I snark on that? I had Therapist Mary on my lap! Yay for crowded cabs! I think she was discussing limited omniscience in fiction, but I'm not sure. I was too busy trying to keep from drooling. The cab ride could have lasted longer as far as I'm concerned.**} I still don't understand how Car could have gotten Sars and Wing to okay the bringing of almost the entire Chicago contingent. {**I have many skills.**} I mean, I'm glad that Cam and Kathy came, but what was the point of bringing Cam when she spent the whole night playing with her little pretend people in the hotel room? {**Cam likes her pretend people better than she likes us...but Ang said she really needed a weekend alone with the kittens, so I didn't have a choice.**} A little devil in my head is telling me that Car's after my job, and I'm about to get pink slipped to a sunny Caribbean resort (which isn't bad, really) or thrown unceremoniously out on the street (which is bad, terribly bad, really). {**Well, I do need a new job.**} Two We met up with the organizing committee, aka All the Marys. There was Therapist Mary, who gave me advice on how to keep my sanity while recapping (get someone else to do it and claim the credit), there was she's-so-excited-to-be-moving-away-from-KC Mary, who showed a tremendous amount of agility and willingness to abandon the gift table at the drop of a hat (well, I did offer her martinis), and there was Snarky Mary, who obviously wasn't Sars cos she was hanging out with Sars all night. Makes me wonder if she's, like, Sars' long lost twin, or perhaps djb in drag. They totally went bezerk with the grab bags this year. May be they got sponsorship or something. {*I heard they were leftovers from Ubercon 05, they just scrubbed off the Xena labels and put TAKR ones on.*} I'm normally shy in person; {**You and your semi-colon phobia.**} I can't maintain eye contact with people I only just met. So I spent the first part of the evening hiding behind Car {**I'm easy to hide behind...my breasts alone could provide shade for a small village.**}, at one point I said to her, "can you pretend to be me and I can pretend to be your servant who brings you drinks?" She was like, "just pretend you're in chat, that'll shoo the shyness away." I was like, "I'm supposed to talk to people using smilies and abbreviated sentences and extreme sarcasm? Did you bring the tumbleweed?" {**I should have let her be my servant.**} I decided the cure for shyness was martinis. Lots of them. All sorts of flavors, from the classic Cosmopolitan to apple and chocolate and even lychee, I didn't care. I didn't have a reputation to uphold anyway. {**Nope...you tossed the reputation away somewhere around episode 3.**} Three Al & Jon pounced on me immediately. It was nice to catch up with them, but that early in the evening, their boisterousness were a little overwhelming. They were a hit when at the talent show segment though. Oh yeah, there was an Amazing Talent Show, held very late into the night, when everyone was completely wasted, more about that later. It felt weird, a TARCon without the old gang, Frat Drew got married and promptly forgot about his friends, Kevin was quote*busy*unquote, Rob & Brennan, Team Guidos, I'd given up on those folks long time ago. Thank god for Ken & Gerard, my dear BaldSnarks. Zach and one of the twins were there, they told me they were doing some presenting gig together for the Golf Channel. That's so, um, cool, I said (I was trying to be polite). I wanted to ask Zach what he thought of the 6 roadblock per person rule, but decided against mentioning anything that might spark Flo memories. Lynn & Alex were holding court at a table far far away from me. [** But not far enough away from me, I wanted to 'accidentally' spill my beer all over Lynn. -- Sars. **] They tried to catch my eye all night to get me to go over to talk to them, but I studiously unfocused every time my eyes strayed to that corner of the room. I'm sure they're nice people, well, Alex anyway, but they're such hypocrites, deriding Rob & Amber about being publicity whores, then having their own wedding on live broadcast (okay, it was radio, but probably cos no TV station was interested). Thank goodness Patrick came up to me and we shared some chit chat about life in general. He looked really fresh and happy, less intense or depressed as before. He hinted at a new relationship, and was soon blushing all over when I started questioning him. How cute. Four I was high on Dutch courage and introduced myself to several of this season's Racers. Well, my aim was to get close to Faith, Willow and/or Tara, all the other introductions were a disguise. I was stoked that some of them knew who I was. {**Oh good...they listened when I said, “make watty feel important.”**} Andrew had his camera with him and he forced me to make faces onscreen {**So, you just stood there like it was any normal day...got it.**}, he was working on a new film project. He was also sporting the Lucas-Spielberg-Coppola-wannabe bearded look that was pretty ridiculous. Plus, his beard needed cleaning, and I was mere inches away from it. Sigh, the things I do for my job. {**The things you do for a grope, you mean...I know why you were trying to get close to the hotties.**} Adam was even taller than on TV and looked very nice in shirt and tie; Oz didn't appear too short unless he was standing next to Adam. Oz had purple spikey hair that I couldn't take my eyes off. I expected him to be quiet and sensitive, but he turned out to be quite talkative. We talked about music, rather, KC (or is it Oregon) Mary and Oz talked about music and I stood there fingering my martini {**”fingering your martini”?? Isn't that a little personal?**} and wishing there were more free snacks at the bar, in other words acting like a fool trying not to sound stupid. {**So you were concentrating really hard, weren't you?**} Buffy was really pretty, in stylish boots and her hair all teased with copious amounts of hair products. She was tiny tiny tiny, would have given Kylie a run for her money anytime. Riley was a no-show {**I had three drinks in celebration of his absence.**}, I heard they weren't together anymore, to which I say to Buffy, "You go, girl!" She spent an inordinate amount of time talking to Randy though, or rather, she didn't pull a disgusted face when Randy sidled up to her and tried to monopolize her. {**He's rich, he's famous, and he's good for making Riley jealous...cuz you know he'll find out that Buffy and Randy were talking. And Buffy knows it too.**} Later I saw her in a group that made up of Lorne, Survivor-Colby, an Idol wannabe whose name I'd forgotten, and that bitch "You're fired" Erin. Dayum. Five There was a lot of cheering during the show itself, which was nice. Cheering when Willow & Tara got the earlier flight. Cheering when they were doing the date thing in Furano. Cheering when Faith almost socked Riley. Cheering when Faith took off her shirt. {**There was drooling, too. How could you forget the drooling? They had to resupply the napkins and paper towels in the joint.**} Cheering when Goldies were Philminated. {**That wasn't cheering. That was more akin to “Can I get a ‘whoop whoop'?!”**} Yep, lots of cheering. And that was just the first hour. Most people were rooting for Faith & Robin or Willow & Tara. Two loose fractions formed, each trying to out-cheer the other whenever those teams were present on screen. {**I think I did a pretty good job cheering with both factions.**} There were oooh's and aaaah's when they were at the mountain resort and they all went riding. More cheering at Vancouver airport, but disbelief at the weather delay at Seattle that sealed the Lovebirds' fate. {**Was I the only one to notice Willow and Tara during this moment? They looked at each other and smiled. And then shared a gentle kiss. It was very sweet. I think I went into sugar shock.**} Conspicuously missing were the cheers, or any sort of substantial reaction, when Rupert & Randy won. There was a stunned silence. Some hissing. But mainly a sort of resigned groan followed by indifference as people returned to drinking and chatting. People didn't seem to care. {**I was too busy drinking.**} Six In the middle of the second hour, I had a discussion with Debra on, of all things, bookshelves. {**Oh, she showed me a picture of those shelves! I drooled.**} Interesting that I'd be talking to the head writer on the one of the most popular reality programs and we ended up talking about bookshelves. I was supposed to be in awe of her cos of her status, but once we got talking about furniture, it was like a dam was broken and we had a lot of fun. We talked about planning for a joint furniture making / carpentry project at some point in the near future, it'll be great. {**I overheard some of this discussion - the material they plan on using is a.m.a.z.i.n.g. I can't wait for the finished product.**} Seven A plain, earnest youngish man came up to me and started explaining that he and his sister weren't stupid and he wished people would stop treating them like idiots. It took me a minute to switch onto that this was Ben, and he was talking about taxigate. Um, well, I'd forgotten about him. {**Um, well, hadn't everyone?**} I nodded attentively as he started explaining again about how tired they were, and it was only human to mis-read something. {**Nope, I tried to think nice things. I can't. He's stupid and I will continue to treat him like an idiot.**} He was beginning to creep me out, I looked round desperately for help, but Car was again rooted to the spot where Faith stood {**She was by the bar! I needed a drink! Coincidences happen, ya know!**}, Cam was nowhere in sight {**playing with her imaginary friends.**} and the Marys had disappeared to replenish the grab bags {**Or maybe she was just looking for someone to grab...she did have a few martinis, too.**}. Hera, sweet sweet Hera, simply walked up and said something to the effect of, "Hey, I'm Hera, how're you doing?" and deflected Ben's murmurings. I was so grateful to her, and then she gave me this wink that made me want to give her a big hug. {**You should have given her a big hug. I think pinching her ass in thanks made her feel a little uncomfortable.**} She was doing fine, she kept in touch with Don and Mary Jean and visited them oftentimes. She felt like she was their grand-daughter, she had this warm twinkle in her eyes when she spoke of them. I'm so happy that some racers were able to form such close friendships after the race. Eight Phil couldn't make it. {**I did the dance of joy.**} I was utterly devastated; {**I wasn't....and you still need to figure out this semi-colon thing.**} I was so looking forward to picking his brains on the effect of having hot women on the Race on ratings. {**A) What brain? B) I can tell you the effect...the ratings will go UP!**} He didn't even send me apologies *sniff*. He sent apologies to the Marys, but not me, me personally. I hate you, Phil! {**'Bout time.**} The Couch Baron tried to console me by doing an eyebrow pop and talking in a hideous Kiwi accent that he must have picked up in London. It only showed me how there could only be one Phil in the universe. {**At that's already one too many.**} Nine Faith was hot. HOT. H-O-T. {** I actually ran into the hot one in one of my rare away-from-the-bar moments. {**Yeah, when you finally realized that incontinence was NOT an attractive quality.**} She squinted at my nametag and a wide grin broke out. Now that made me all melty. {**Sure it wasn't the martinis?**} I asked her many things, none of which I recall, because she touched me! She took my elbow when we were talking; she was a much warmer person than her sex bomb image suggested. The only thing I remembered about our conversation (apart from the touching) was her mentioning that she was doing a series of promotions for her gym and invited me to visit her whenever I was in Boston. Usually I prefer to fly business, but for going to see Faith, I'd take coach any day, so Sars, how's about it? {**Sars, see how she feels about flying cargo.**} Ten After the show they hooked up with Taskmaster Chris via satellite. {**WOOT!**} He was wearing a t-shirt that said 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... Coincidence???. He talked about how awesome it was to go be involved with the Race, making the special effects videos with the Racers. {**And getting that kiss on the cheek from Faith...he didn't say it, but I know he was thinking it.**} When asked if he had more footage of the videos, he explained that those were owned by the producers and the only ones he's seen on the internet are vidcaps of the Race itself. Someone pushy asked if he knew there were copies elsewhere; I was pretty sure he knew, judging from the indulgent smile on his face, but he tactfully declined to give any more information. Later, someone presumably from the Amazing Production indicated that there might be merchandise associated with the Race and they didn't rule out action figures or posters. If the dvd ever see the light of day, I'm hoping the extended footage includes all of what was filmed in Sydney. {**If I can see Tara and Willow in Smut Bunnies costumes, I'll be happy to put in my pre-order now.**} Eleven Lychee martini tasted like cough medicine. {**This is why I stick to beer.**} One glass and I swiftly moved on to regular flavor. There still weren't enough free snacks on the bar. Twelve Look at me! I managed to get through more than half this recap before mentioning Willow & Tara, cos I knew I'd get carried away once I start. {**You? Carried away? Never! (Could you smell the sarcasm?)**} First thing, they were beautiful, in elegant, non-rojak clothing. {**Definitely elegant. And chic. With just a hint of sexiness - not over the top, but just enough.**} And I'm not a very perceptive person, but they seemed so in love, with the little touches and not leaving each other's side even though that would have made interviewing more effective. {**Okay, someone with the perception of a goldfish could see they are in love.**} My absolute favorite moment this TARCon, well all TARCons, was chatting with them when the Furano sequence came on screen. There was a gigantic "awwww" reverberating round the bar, and they got so embarrassed and turned matching shades of pink. "We should be used to it, complete strangers coming up to us to shake our hands, wish us luck. But this <indicating the big screen> is so embarrassing," Tara said. "It's so weird watching ourselves," said Willow. Turning to her girlfriend, she asked, "Do I really sound like that?" Tara nodded. "That's how I want you to sound, sweetie," she reassured. {**sniff**} "Have you ever heard yourself speak?" Willow asked me. She asked me a question! {**So? I got her email address. **} "The first summer my girlfriend and I were together, she had to go home, so we recorded all sorts of things we wanted to say to each other on these microcassettes, and we carried those small dictation machines with us constantly," I gushed. [** way subtle to tell Lovebirds you're "on their side". Love, Sars. **] {**The Dork-o-meter just went off the scale. I think you broke it.**} They laughed, and we talked for a while. They were house hunting in California, having decided to move there together. But they were in no hurry; {**sigh, semi-colon, watty, semi-colon.**} they were staying with friends in a small cramped bedroom, living out of two suitcases. "Reminds us of some of the pitstops," Tara laughed. Oh man, I wished I lived in LA, they could so come and stay with me. I was also sensitive about not asking how they felt about the Seattle flight delay. {**You were sensitive? The martinis finally did some good.**} But horror of horrors, Xander & Anya swooped in and spoiled my private moment with my favorite team. They looked very well, almost prosperous. To my untrained eye, Anya looked a little pregnant, if you asked me. {**We didn't.**} She bluntly greeted me as "the one with the snark, I like you." {**Hmmm....maybe I shouldn't tell you what she said to me. Might make you feel bad.**} I didn't really know what to make of her, she had a much more gregarious personality than onscreen, and very direct. She was the one who instructed me to not mention the weather in Seattle. I mean, I wasn't going to, and now she was the one who brought it out to the open. {**Oh, okay...I'll tell you. She said to me, “Xander and I lost orgasm time once you came on board with your snark. I just couldn't stop reading! Though, since Xander doesn't take that long, I guess we didn't lose much time after all.”**} They totally hijacked the conversation, but I'd had a few martinis by that stage and wasn't in the best talking mode anyway. {**And how is that different from any other time?**} "Well, how's the house hunting going?" Xander asked. "We're not in any hurry, want to see as many properties as possible before making a decision," Willow answered. "Move to our neighborhood, it's cheaper, and it's only an hour from LA," Xander pointed out. "You just want us to be closer to you," Tara smiled. "Of course. Willow, have you proposed yet?" Anya asked suddenly, and a little loudly. Willow's shocked expression could have been seen from the entrance. {**From the entrance at Buckingham Palace.**} "Wha?" she spluttered. "Come on, we don't hear from you for weeks, there's something you're not telling me, it's more than just moving house," Anya continued. Willow & Tara shared a look, smiled and told Anya to mind her own business. Well, they did it in a more humorous and warm way, but that was the message they were getting across. {**Anya bit Xander's hand when he tried to cover her mouth too. I laughed until I cried. I like Anya.**} Later that evening, someone (I can't remember, may be one of the Marys) mentioned seeing a sparkly ring on Tara's left hand, but I have no corroborating evidence and one thing my gf taught me, is not to trust any statement unless verified. {**So she created a control group, administered a placebo, collected her data and is currently waiting on the results from her MANOVA.**} Thirteen Someone from one of the gay magazines was covering the event--I don't remember which one. {**Well, it's not like there are that many. If it had been a “straight” magazine, I could forgive you for not remembering the name. As it is, I'll just assume you had WAY too many martinis.**} Even his name escaped me. He was a fresh faced, overly eager Jimmy Olsen type, it was his first TARCon and he was very out of his element. Numerous people tried to explain the nuance (heh, too bad the real Nuance team wasn't there) of the Race and TARflies and the whole TWoP business, but he was pretty overwhelmed. Kept asking about my round the world trip with the Racers, lol. I gently explained that I didn't go on the trip; I just saw it on TV, like he did, except I watched each episode may be 12 times. He didn't quite understand and shortly afterwards, wandered off in search of subjects to interview. He eventually latched onto Lynn & Alex, who were overjoyed at the attention. Only after some prompting did he get into Willow & Tara. In contrast, the people from Pepper were great, getting short interviews, not only from Racers, but the dozens of people from the KB who were big fans. They hung out with Lorne and Cordy a great deal, cos they're so glamorous that anyone'd want to hang out with them. Lorne later told me that they were doing a feature article on them, may be even the cover. (Well, as much as an online magazine can have a cover.) Fourteen Cameras clicked all night, flash! flash! flash! Uchenna, Joyce, Zach, Rupert and Randy did a photo session together. I guess with $2.5 million of prize money between them it was a rich photo opportunity. [**groan**.] {**Are you drinking again?**} Fifteen Joyce & Sheila looked fabulous, they'd obviously spent a lot of time patronizing NYC's nail bars and hairdressers. They looked like Joan Rivers without the lines, botox or snark. {**Joyce and Sheila couldn't be snarky if their lives depended on it - they're too damned sweet.**} April seemed to spend more time with them than Andrew, still doing his filming stuff. I'm glad the Principals couldn't attend. Apparently Flutie was booked to attend but there were problems at his farm. The Marys told me that Snyder flat out refused to come when they asked him. "He's a jerk," they say. {**He is. And I'm not crying over his absence. Maybe he and Asshat are having an illicit affair.**} Sixteen There was a little speech from the Marys about how great it was to organize this TARCon, and how the tradition was well and truly upheld. Then someone from the Amazing Production, Elise if I remember correctly, led the Racers on a little Q&A session. Mostly of their thoughts and what they had been doing since the Race finished. They had to be tactful and gracious about Rupert & Randy, how could they not? {**But we don't have to be tactful...Rupert and Randy: BLAH!**} Most of them returned to what they were doing before the Race, Lorne & Cordy were in a new show; Sheila was working on a new book; Xander & Anya refused to say if they were pregnant, deflecting the question to Willow & Tara and the state of their alleged engagement. So, were they or weren't they? They didn't say, and refused point blank to elaborate. {**And really, does it matter whether they are or aren't? They L.O.V.E. each other. They don't need a piece of paper to prove it. But, just in case, I'm going to make frequent use of Willow's email address...I want to be invited to the wedding if they are.**} Buffy was training hard for the next Olympics; Randy was taking time off; Rupert was returning to Yale and Faith & Robin were involved in various business ventures in Boston. Faith had several modeling offers that she was considering. {**She can model for me any day...ANY DAY!**} I think that out of this group of Racers, Faith had the most potential to become a minor celebrity in her own right. {**Minor? We'll see her in the movies! I'm thinking she'll be good for cute comedies with cheerleaders and action-packed horror flicks with mutant, hiker-killing mountain men.**} She has the hot bod, she has the 'tude, and she has the drive. {**She can drive me any day...ANY DAY!**} I won't be surprised to see her on TV soon. Financially, I suspect Xander & Anya could reap the most, giving their franchise the publicity and notoriety it needs. My favorite team is slowing moving in to Hollywood. Judging by the quality of their application film, plus whatever contacts they can make while they're still hot property, they could be the next "in" thing since Pixar. {**I think they will get their own series for Miss Kitty. It will be a Saturday morning hit to rival School House Rock.**} Seventeen The Talent Show was ugly. Some revelers were obviously so keen on making a fool of themselves they didn't care about the audience's sensitive eyes and ears. Apparently, at the wrap party, there was a karaoke also, when Randy showed to the world why he shouldn't have won half a million bucks. {**As if the world didn't know why since episode 1.**} Shame, shame. Eighteen I missed talking to Randy, Robin and Glory. Rupert I observed from my perch at the bar, he spent most of his time on the makeshift stage, giving interviews. He was one good-looking man, for his age. Yeah, he was all man, much more than his drunken, indiscrete son. {**I still say you had too much to drink.**} Nineteen I didn't bother looking at my watch when I stumbled outside to the taxi stand. We were shifting our asses to another bar, and then Car mentioned something about strip club (or was that T?). {**That was T. I didn't want to leave in the first place.**} And I didn't have the sense to over-ride them, part of me was kinda interested in going anyway. {**Don't let watty fool you...she had the fewest dollar bills by the end of the night.**} So, we went out the whole night, and in the morning it was a group of tired recapper and friends who piled into the diner for a hearty breakfast of pancakes and the works. Yay for another TARCon! Twenty Thanks to everyone who has been keeping up, at times I think I've pushed the envelope a little too far, tried too many twists and turns in my effort to be clever. {**And BOY what an effort it was!**} It's been a trip hasn't it? Nothing the Kittens have ever seen, and quite likely never again. It was an exhausting endeavor, but one I've enjoyed very much. Thanks for coming with me on this insane journey. I probably went too far with the name-dropping. So here is a run-down of who were at TARCon, or mentioned in the recap (excluding this season's racers who should be familiar by now): |
**} She was constantly surrounded by people wanting autographs, to talk to her, touch her, breath the same air as her. One of whom was Car, of course. {**Yeah? So?**} She didn't fool me. She claimed I abandoned her all night -- {**Did not.**} truth was, she was too busy oogling Faith to take much notice of me. I mean, she texted me when Faith appeared in her sports bra on the bike ride. Texted me, from across the room, didn't even bother to walk over to where I was permanently attached to the bar {**I didn't need a drink right then.**}, cos she was too busy hanging onto every word Faith said, her eyes fixated on Faith's bouncy bits. {**I have no regrets.**}
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