Deep within a mansion on the outskirts of Snowydale, a question could be heard by anyone loitering around just outside.
"Why is the world SO gay?"
Bystanders would have been unable to see the source of such pondering, however, as the room was dark. It was much like the temperament of the man himself.
"All through town ladies are paired off with one another...shopping in the co-op, raising well-adjusted children...even obtaining marriage licenses with full civil privileges. Oh, what's the world coming to?"
The man stood and a crack of thunder and lightning from no discernible force illuminated the swirl of his long black leather jacket.
"With all this gaiety, what's a single man to do for Valentine's Day?"
Suddenly the lights cut on in the room, as they tended to do when someone flipped the switch.
"Who are you talking to, boss?" A dark-haired, immature jokester, long under the clutches of treacherous thrall, asked.
"Butt Monkey! You ruined my dramatic monologue."
"Sorry, Mr. Broodypants...do you want me to cut it off so you can restart?"
"No, I'm out of flair now." He said with a touch of hissy in his voice. "I'd never be able to get it back up again."
Mr. Broodypants tried to run a hand through his hair but nicked his palm on the pointy, unwavering spikes held into place by gallons of hair gel.
"Ah...blood!" He cried out.
Butt Monkey pulled a handkerchief out of his back pocket and dabbed away the red droplet, well aware of his master's hemophilia.
"Has my package arrived?" Mr. Broodypants asked as the dizziness passed.
"Yes, boss. I'll take you to it."
Butt Monkey led him to the courtyard just outside the front entrance. There was a large crate stamped with a return address of the Christian Coalition. "Do you want to know what my package is, Butt Monkey? It may be useful knowledge if you are questioned during my scheme."
"Yes, boss." Butt Monkey replied as he grabbed a fly out of mid air and snacked on it.
Mr. Broodypants unveiled his package with a flourish that would have left anyone watching with a number of questions. It contained a ten foot statue of blazing gold.
"This is Homophobicon...a mystical effigy that will be unleashed upon the world with..." Mr. Broodypants looked around confused.
"Where is the Rod of Conformity?"
"You mean this?" Butt Monkey asked as he pulled a small object from the straw at the bottom of the crate and slowly unwrapped the cloth covering.
"Don't touch my rod, Butt Monkey! I don't want it to go off prematurely." Mr. Broodypants exclaimed as he snatched away the rod and uncovered it, stroking it once before showing it to his servant. He then pulled a small vial from his coat pocket.
"The Rod of Conformity, combined with this vial of acidic spittle from Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, will activate the glorious Homophobicon and it will brainwash all the gay out of the homosexuals in town. Then, I will be able to date anyone I choose." He explained. Especially Princess Repression, he added internally, much to the delight of the readers who wanted to figure out what the point to all this is.
He quickly became excited by his thoughts and popped the cork on his vial of doom. It looked disgusting and smelled horrid, which was no surprise, and Mr. Broodypants quickly poured it on the tip of the rod as it hissed and crackled. He then moved to Homophobicon, cupping a cheek before shoving the Rod of Conformity up its ass.
A disturbing green glow filled the gold creature's eyes as it became activated.
"She'll be mine now!" He cackled as another roll of thunder and lightning lit the sky ominously.
Just at that moment, in a bar called The Bucking Bronco, a ripply man in chaps staggered slightly as did many of the other more colorful patrons. Cowboy Guy shrugged his shoulders, wondering why he was there, and then decided to take a trip down the block to The Bleeder's Den, a girly club known for their vampire-like dancers.
In a flat across town, a shout of "Bugger this!" could be heard as The History of Tea Service was thrown to the floor in a defiant manner.
Nancy Gym Bunny lifted barbells in front of a full length mirror at the twenty-four hour gym. They fell from his hands with a thud as he tried to shake off the haze.
"Oh, heavens," he gasped, wondering where he had misplaced his white poofy shirt.
Overt Sexuality Girl finished her beer bong with bow, accompanied by cheers from her newest boy and girl toys before feeling a little woozy and having to rest her head. When she lifted it once more, she noticed her skimpy top and the group fawning over her and she ran from the premises in a state of shock.
Princess Repression yawned daintily as her eyes opened in the dark of night. Just as she turned over, knowing that she needed to get six more hours of sleep to be properly rested, a strange wave passed over her and she suddenly felt a different urge.
A sour taste formed in her mouth as she saw the snow white silk pajamas she was wearing. She headed to Overt Sexuality Girl's closet to find some leather.
Even in the Super Vixen Bed, the place of many of the Wonder Lesbian's most spectacular triumphs, two women were pulling away from their comfy embrace and turning to opposite sides of the bed in their slumber.
Tara woke feeling off, which was not nearly as rewarding as getting off. But as she turned to her redheaded lover, curled in a tight ball, she found that even getting off didn't seem that great an alternative this morning.
She skipped her usual morning kiss to Willow's forehead and went to shower.
Willow uncurled and stood as she heard the bathroom door close. She felt...anxious? Anxious that Tara would kiss her?
Seconds later, as opposed to seconds before - which would have screwed up the narrative timeline, Tara returned to the bedroom wearing only a towel. Willow inched backwards unconsciously.
As Willow's big super sciency brain truly pondered the question, while her eyes maneuvered away from the lush curves of her scantily clad partner, she made a startling revelation.
"I feel kinda queer. Or rather not queer. Does that make sense?"
"Well, thank goodness it's not just me then," Tara replied with relief.
"I knew something was wrong," Tara continued. "We have a connection forged by the power of amazing, soul fulfilling orgasms...why in the world did I think that I had to cover myself to return to the bedroom to get a robe? And how is it possible that I don't want to..." Shemotioned at the bed, feeling too shy to say the words.
"It must be the same reason why I don't want to rip that towel from your body and pin you to the wall...something truly heinous has happened. We better get to the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality." She noticed the word homosexuality felt strange on her tongue...much like she suspected Tara would feel at that moment. Willow decided they better hurry.
The Hall of Rampant Homosexuality was aptly mistitled as the Wonder Lesbians entered on this fateful morning.
Captain Tea Cozy was sitting haphazardly on a couch, a young blonde girl looped on each arm. His usual cardigan and tweed trousers were missing, replaced by a white t-shirt and tight black jeans. He was smoking a cigarette from a pack rolled in his shirt sleeve.
Cowboy Guy had forgone his normal attire too, wearing a black business suit with a crisp white shirt and blue tie. His arm and neck itched from his new found biting fetish.
Nancy Gym Bunny was standing at a podium, reciting bad couplets off the top of his dark blonde curly head, his peroxide job missing without a trace.
"How I yearn for you, Princess Repression,
"Put a bloody lid on it! The girl isn't even here." Captain Tea Cozy responded with a roll of his eyes. "I'm out. This place is dead."
"Though my love is not at my side,
"What the hell?" Tara exclaimed to Willow in horror.
"I know. I mean in what world would Nancy Gym Bunny and Princess Repression ever get together?" Willow asked with a shudder.
"No...well, that is unfathomable, but what I meant is that everyone seems to be completely out of sorts. This goes beyond our...problems. Look at Captain Tea Cozy. His morning cup of tea is no where in sight."
"We are truly in peril." Willow replied, feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders once more. But not literally...cause ouch, heavy.
"So you think a new menace has worked some voodoo on us so we wouldn't notice their scheme?"
"Isn't the fact that I don't have my hand on your ass proof positive of that?" Tara asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Righty-o then. Let's check the 'Wonder Lesbian Analyzer'. It can answer all of our questions without any regard to logic and further the plot along."
The 'Wonder Lesbian Analyzer' clinked and clunked away at the scraps of information placed in its omniscient, non-Microsoft system.
Tara sat on a stool barely looking at a catalogue full of techie devices that Willow had circled for the lab. She glanced over at her other half, who was impatiently bouncing near the output reader, waiting for the solution to today's peculiarity.
It was only the fact that Tara could feel emptiness in the space where 'cute' or 'quirky' should be, that told the blonde superhero that anything at all was wrong. That scared her...it wasn't the mind blowing sex that was most noticeably missing. It was the one hundred tiny things that made Tara love her everyday that hurt like hell not to feel.
This sad, though appropriately themed, interlude was cut short as the machine churned out a small index card of information.
"Holy reprogramming, Tara!"
"What is it, Willow?"
"The city wide scanners indicate that an unknown source has removed the sexual identity from entire gay population of Snowydale. Probability indicators also suggest that it is having ill-effects on other behavioral factors as well. And look at this on the Wonder Lesbian Viewfinder...a giant gold being was seen patrolling through our glorious city's more prominent gay neighborhoods," Willow explained succinctly.
"I recognize that statue from years of behavioral and artifact studies...that's Homophobicon. But who would have the greed and stupidity to activate such a relic?"
"That is our mystery to ponder." Willow replied in a vague sort of superhero way that did little to actually answer the question.
"So, what do we do?" Tara asked.
"We should head down to the old neighborhood and investigate. For the rest, I've been working on just the thing for this situation. A True Identity Medallion. I'll cook up a batch of them for the Special Friends using our Wonder Lesbian Medallion Maker."
A few minutes later, cutting out the painstaking process of metallurgy that many fine metallurgists perform for the world, the medallions were complete. As Willow and Tara slipped two labrys shaped objects around their necks, they felt the rush of complete love and rampant horniness return to them once more.
Willow wasted no time in pushing Tara towards the Make-Out Closet, a special soundproof room in their lab for just such an emergency. As she opened the door she paused at the unexpected sight of seeing Overt Sexuality Gal huddled in a corner wearing a nun's habit.
"Poor Overt Sexuality Gal...this curse has done a number on her mind. Considering her love of both the finer forms of men and women, it's made her completely closeted." Willow grabbed a medallion made of two interlocking triangles and looped it around her neck.
The brunette uncurled and then stood with a very different look in her eyes. Willow and Tara stepped back as she ripped at her costume and made it a lot skimpier. A loud metallic scraping was heard as Overt Sexuality Gal reached under her attire. As she lifted her hands back into view, the crumpled remains of a too-late chastity belt lingered between her fingers.
Overt Sexuality Gal kept that look in her eyes the entire time. A really pissed off look.
"Oh yeah, I'm totally kicking some ass for this."
The Wonder Lesbians and Overt Sexuality Gal scoured the neighborhoods around Snowydale, but were unable to find any trace of Homophobicon. What they did find was an old friend.
"Butt Monkey! I haven't seen you in years. Not since you stole my midget boyfriend during band camp." Willow called out as they approached, rather then as they were retreating because that is so much harder to hear. "Still the best thing that ever happened to me. Plus...all that useful flute knowledge."
Butt Monkey grabbed a dragonfly out of the air and snacked on it.
"Um, sweetie? Does he normally do that?" Tara questioned. "Cause that old boyfriend of yours must have been a dog then."
"I think maybe Butt Monkey needs a gayboy medallion," Willow responded as she did the action indicated in her dialogue.
Seconds later, the stupor broke from Butt Monkey's eyes. "Well, hallelujah! Free at last, free at last...and what the hell am I wearing?" Butt Monkey said as looked at his drab black clothing.
"This is great and all, but we can't hand out jewelry to everyone in town. We need to find the cause of this mess." Overt Sexuality Gal replied as she cracked her knuckles.
"Well let me tell you..." Butt Monkey replied as he began recounting the plan of his former boss.
"What a homophobic incarnate of evil! There's no gain from such a measure," Willow exclaimed.
"Oh girlfriend...but you don't know the half of it." Butt Monkey said as he sashayed towards the gayboy clothing store on the corner. "He did all this to get some hot piece of blonde...Princess something or other."
"Okay, that does it...this guy is going down. And not in the fun way." Overt Sexuality Gal grumbled.
Meanwhile at the mansion of Mr. Broodypants, he had spared no expense to impress Princess Repression with his Valentine's Day suauveness. He had bought every holiday marked-up rose and greeting card he could find and sent out for special catering. Still, for some reason, Princess Repression was interested in almost everyone but him and his lavish displays. He had excused Butt Monkey hours ago because she began naughty dancing with him. And the catering boys...well, they didn't even look for a tip considering her appreciative efforts.
There was nothing to fear, though, as he had one more fiendish trick up his sleeve. He moved to the stereo and turned on his Best of Barry Manillow CD, knowing it would break even the strongest of wills. Once she was weakened, he would be able to get close enough to get her to drink the Brew of Eternity, which would permanently will her to his every desire.
Luckily, before the first notes of Copacabana could invade the air of the mansion, the main entry doors blew off their hinges in a display straight from a eighties hair band video.
As the debris settled, a giant rainbow tank transformed back into the Wonder Lesbians. Overt Sexuality Gal followed closely behind. But not too closely. After all, she knew how jealous Willow could get if anyone closely followed Tara's behind.
"Well, what do we have here...the Special Friends... and I planned for just such a distraction." He backpedal towards the large marble mantle and retrieved a remote, pressed a large black button. The fireplace separated and Homophobicon emerged with its green eyes glowing. "One hit of Homophobicon's rays and you'll be trapped inside it forever."
"And forever's a mighty long time, Special Friends!" Mr. Broodypants cackled, somehow thinking that was a particularly enlightening piece of so-called wisdom.
Willow threw a medallion at Princess Repression before taking cover behind the entryway wall as a rash of green rays shot in all directions. Princess Repression caught the object with ease and quickly reverted back to herself.
"How dare you try to manipulate the purity of love! The truest thing in the world is loving someone for who they are, not their gender. And distorting love for your own gain...that's wrong!"
Mr. Broodypants turned Homophobicon towards her. "If I can't have you, then no one can!" He lifted his finger just above the button, testing her resolve.
"Clearly you don't have a heart, Mr. Broodypants...or, if you do, it's a two hundred forty-some year old lump of evil. And I'll punish you for that!"
"RESPRESSO BOMB!" Princess Repression cried, as the force of her strained and hidden sexual energy flew from her body in a torrent. Just as Mr. Broodypants pressed the button, he was launched far into the air and into Homophobicon's arms, where its green firing eyes hit him in the shoulder. Mr. Broodypants was instantly absorbed into the golden statue, forever to be trapped inside its confines alone. The Rod of Conformity fell from its nestled place with the impact, shattering into shards, and the spell to end homosexuality was broken.
Overt Sexuality Gal stood unharmed in the windstorm, a light pink sphere of protection keeping her safe. The sphere dissipated and she moved to the golden statue and popped it once with a right hook for good measure. Then she swaggered beside Princess Repression with her usual bravado. "That's almost twenty-four hours wasted. I guess I've got some partying to make up for."
Princess Repression looked at Overt Sexuality Gal in a new light. Mostly because the sun was just setting low enough to cast rays through the windows. "Maybe we could get something to eat instead?"
Overt Sexuality Gal smiled in a way that was neither particularly overt or sexual. Then she patted Princess Repression on the ass to make up for it.
The Wonder Lesbians stood near the massive wreckage, Willow staring off into the distance with one thought swirling in her mind.
"Shouldn't we have done more to save the world, baby?"
"Oh, Will, you know I love your overachieving ways...but why don't we save that enthusiasm for what this holiday is truly about?"
The redhead nodded and they quickly headed home, destined to spend the night making love and eating chocolate.