Author: JustSkipIt
Rating: R to NC-17
Feedback: Please leave feedback on the Waiting for Dani thread on the Kitten Board.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own Willow and Tara and the Buffyverse. I'm not saying this universe is totally original but I didn't steal it from any author or creator that I know of. No copyright infringement is meant by this fic and I will not make any money from it.
Distribution: Kitten Board, Through the Looking Glass, Mystic Muse. Everyone else, send me a note.

Additional and permanent disclaimer: Yadda yadda. Yadda Yadda. Not comfortable. Power imbalance. Etc.

Our arrival at Maclay East threw us all into a frenzy of activity that has hardly ceased to this day. Our processional continued until we reached the manor, I hardly think to call it a castle. Steward Giles led myself, Dani, Faith, and Dawn through our new home as the others set about unloading the wagons and caring for the horses. With the exception of Dawn, the rest of us had never spent the night in such a meager building. The kitchen was perhaps half the size of the same at our previous home and by Dani's count, which she relayed to me later, the building had only 45 bedrooms and two ballrooms. As we walked, Dani took a cursory inventory of necessary repairs for later determination.

Giles seemed to vacillate between pride in the Estates's furnishings which were quite fine indeed and the condition of the building overall. However his feelings for the rest of the house, he showed obvious and unmistakable joy in the library. This one room put our library to shame, and I had never seen the like in my travels. Our new home contained perhaps half-again the number of books of our prior and Faith and I shared a glance surely meaning that we would not miss those tomes we left behind while my girl seemed to be somewhat transported by the offerings. I smiled as I surmised that were it not for our serious duties, she would have liked to stay in that room for weeks or even years doing nothing but reading. We later found out that generations ago the Lord and Lady of the Estate had two young daughters with poor health. Given that they could not ride, run, or shoot, they were educated even more so and both grew to love reading. Ever since, the Estate had quite prided itself on its vast library.

As we moved through the house, we met the remainder of the house staff, all turned out quite well. I remember thinking over and over how different it would be to live in a home with so few servants in comparison to our upbringing. At the conclusion of our tour, we reached my great-cousin's chambers. Only Faith and I entered, Dawn and Dani departing to supervise and assist the others in their efforts. His appearance, I need not discuss, but he was arrayed well and those sitting with the body, his mark-bound servant included, were appropriate in every way. I thanked them for their service and left them to their vigil.

Given the time, Giles (for he quickly asked that we call him Giles as everyone did rather than Steward Giles) suggested that we break for lunch and apologized for a lack of game. He said that my cousin had not been a prolific hunter in the last few years and that the wildlife seemed to overrun the woods and fields. In fact, the livestock suffered terribly from predators and our efforts would be necessary to bring the sheep, goat, even cow herds back to a reasonable number. I laughed as Faith promised that she and Stefan would see to the issue very quickly. Nonetheless, lunch was a relaxed affair of soup, bread, cheese, fruit, and wine and the existing servants were quick and efficient in serving us. I asked Dani during the meal where Xander had gotten to as he would be welcome to eat with us but she said that he was investigating the outbuildings although he begged my allowance to inspect the castle (as he of course called this building) at the most convenient time. Turning from Dani I explained to Giles that we had brought a carpenter with us.

"Ah yes, Lady Maclay. You mentioned that you might. I promise he will find ample projects on this Estate for a year and a day at the minimum."

Following lunch, Giles and myself retired to the impressive library for a number of long discussions. First on our agenda were funeral arrangements for my great cousin. I accepted the invitation on behalf of our Estate and he made reports on the notes he had sent out the prior day. He did not expect a sizeable showing and tradition and health concerns dictated that we take care of the body within two days. While I have never considered myself a Priestess, my standing as Lady and magic user qualified me to preside over the customs and prayers necessary and I accepted that honor without hesitation.

Next we poured over the family records as was necessary to officially determine the passing of this Estate into ours. We would be required to post notices of my cousin's passing and his leaving no immediate kin with the details of his genealogy but baring a hidden and illegitimate heir stepping forward (not an impossibility as Giles put it while attempting to be as discrete as he could), the Estate was now fully part of the Maclay holdings and I Lady of this as well as my other home.

The light was growing dim by the time we had settled those two topics and my girl had joined us a few times to apprise me of the progress of the remainder of the group - Stefan and Dawn had gone hunting. Being still dark winter we had not long in the light and Giles suggested that I retire to my room for a bit before dinner. Dani informed me that as the master suite was occupied she had chosen a room which she felt I would like. She had a teasing look in her eye when she said it and I answered her quite formally that surely she knew my preferences by now and was capable of making such a choice quite admirably.

My girl led me up the stairs to this room and it was quite as she had hinted. On the second floor, fully half of the ceiling was glassed to show the stars and tops of the mountains in the distance. Directly under that glass was the bed and I grabbed my lover to kiss her deeply as I looked at it. The headboard was like nothing I had ever seen. It was massive and held a hundred or more gaps, slats, and indentions in what can only be imagined or described as endless handholds (or perhaps footholds). Dani ceased our kiss to whisper my exact thoughts. "Now you can hold on as tightly as you want while I make you scream, Tara."

"And the stars you see won't just be behind your eyelids."

No more words were necessary for me to send the fastest of spells to bolt the door to the room and we tested out that bed, finding it amazingly to our liking, until dinner time was called.

When I get up from this chair. When I walk across this room, open the door, descend the stairs, I do not know that I will ever come back. I can barely turn my head to see the bed and yet I feel that I must. I, who have been so evil, who have treated my love so basely, perhaps this should be my punishment. Not just being without Dani, but coming to this room each day. Sleeping in this bed and remembering how I abused one who had no power to resist me. Through my shame and my horror I admit that I thought none of this then.

Dinner was stuffed pheasant and talk, talk, talk from every quarter. Stefan and Dawn regaled us with tales of their brief exploration and the prolific wild game. Stefan did mention that some culling would be necessary and I gave him latitude in doing whatever was necessary to being the Estate back to greatest health for everyone understood that this was our purpose. Xander hesitated to speak at dinner but when pressed gave reports on the condition of the outbuildings. He was quite sorry to report some of his findings but promised his ability to reform the holdings. He sat to Giles's right and I hoped that these two free-men would be able to bond and work together well. While they had very different personalities, each seemed the most respectable and capable of their class. Faith and Dani reported on the condition of the manor proper as well as the servants present and their strengths. Giles was able to chime in on the servants as well. I was quite privileged to have such capable assistance from all present and praised them profusely to let them know the importance of their efforts in our endeavor.

I informed all present of the funeral arrangements for our cousin. While Xander's presence was optional, all others would not dare miss the ceremony-a fact of which I had no need to remind them.

Two days hence, in fact we set out from the estate carrying my grand-cousin's remains on a litter. Xander had in fact determined to come (after consulting with Dani apparently) and he, Stefan, Jonah, Giles, the attendant, and my cousin's mark-bound servant, F'drek bore his body with ease until we reached the edge of the lake where they laid him on his funeral pyre. I had never conducted a funeral before but I found myself quite transported by the traditional lamentations and praises. Faith joined in the prayers where allowed and the rest I conducted alone. Near the end, I was quite overcome with the level of heat I could feel rising within my body. When I channeled the power into my cousin's body and saw his pyre ignite I felt almost a shock. I believe I slumped as the heat left my body and I regained awareness in Stefan's arms looking up at the bluest sky as the fire raged a few feet away. Later Giles complimented the power and purity of my devotion to create such a consuming blaze.

We remained at the pyre until the last embers had burned out. Then, per tradition, every person present took a handful of ashes and walked in different directions scattering them as we went. The remainder we would allow the elements to scatter. Each at his or her own pace, we massed again and walked back to the Estate for the funeral meal. As Giles had predicted, we had only representation of two other houses, and those sent only three-mark nobles and their servants. Most other Estates would send their condolences and regrets in the following few days but we were quite geographically distant from others of our nobility.

After the meal, those I had brought returned to their tasks and I met with each of the servants for my cousin's Estate. First of those was Fredrek and I formally offered him freedom from his bond as was his right. He thanked me for the offer and asked if he could remain bonded to the house which I granted. He has been a tremendous help in our efforts and I am grateful that he remained although he could still ask and be granted his freedom at any time. The other servants, I offered their freedom as well. While it was not their right, being bonded to the house, I felt that in a time of mourning and with the passing of ownership of the Estate, this was a reasonable and generous offer. Only two of the seven house servants accepted the offer and I completed their freed servant bonds and the appropriate documentation by sunset. I sent copies of the documentation via the returning drivers for maintenance in T'dre's records. My day's magical exertions left me quite drained and I was asleep long before dinner was called.

I have no wish to give you a day by day retelling of our time at Maclay East, nor could I should I wish it. The days quickly blended together marked by the passing of seasons and holidays. Faith and Dawn stayed with us over a moon and I dearly would have loved for them to stay longer. I made their welcome clear and more than a few tears were shed as they departed prior to the Spring Equinox.

By the time they left, we had made thorough inspections of the condition of every acre of the Estate. It was an Estate which could have been great and I believed could be again. While some fields had been planted and harvested well, others lay fallow lacking the manpower to manage them or perhaps my cousin's skill to manage the tasks. Game was abundant and we never lacked for fresh meat. Stefan seemed to shine more and more brightly as I assigned him greater responsibilities on the Estate and by this date the herd animals have increased two-fold. Xander flung himself into each building project and eventually agreed to move into the "castle." Giles was invaluable and his mind quick and overwhelming. I could not tell you who had the greater intellect: Dani or Giles and their games of Chest were a fascinating and sometimes fearsome sight. I afforded, no encouraged, no cajoled, them to relax more and work less and they spent hours on end studying the books in the library and debating theories which sailed right over my inadequate brain.

The vineyards of Maclay East were both a joyous and a disappointing discovery. While we had not the climate at our former home to maintain a vineyard, Maclay East did. The vineyards were in poor repair and required much effort to rehabilitate them but, seeing the possibilities, I quickly assigned three men to full time work doing just that. Their efforts paid off with production of over fifty barrels the first season and one hundred our second season. This season I quite expect to double that number again and I am considering expanding the acreage assigned to this aspect our of economy. And I can tell you, having been to many celebrations that our product is quite full and appreciated by all who partake.

Of course, I corresponded constantly with my Father to discuss my intentions and plans for the Estate. He made few suggestions but those which he shared were consistently vast improvements over the prior plans. In truth, the correspondence with Maclay Main was copious as we all kept in touch with the happenings of our friends and family. Dani wrote a note to Xander's father on his behalf which I'm quite sure someone from our Estate read to him upon delivery. Occasionally our carpenter received a response from his father which was quite thrilling.

Within a few weeks of our arrival all of our procession had visited the villages. We spread out our visits to keep from overwhelming the citizens and Giles accompanied Dani and I on our first visits. Neither village was as sufficient or respectable as those near our old Estate which made perfect sense. Villages always prosper or fail in direct proportion to their Estates and I had as much wish to increase their fortunes as our own. Our arrival brought commissions to the crafts-men of the town and we offered to hire every willing resident to work the fields. We even offered residents a choice of working for a tradition wage or "owning" a share of land on which they could plant, raise, and harvest the crop. They would double our traditional 10% tithe and keep the profit. The first season only two families accepted this opportunity but the most recent season has seen eleven families "sharing" a portion of our Estate crops. We have profited by the increased tithe, the proper rotation of crops on our land, and having residents with greater fortunes which means greater spending in the villages.

The closer of the two villages, Turbren, boasts the best baker I have ever encountered. I would gladly offer Jenk any position in my kitchens for the opportunity to sample his wares each day upon arising. As it is, I have to settle for purchasing items from his ovens when his daughter, a strange girl, named Anya, walks to our Estate every three days. Anya is a curiously intense creature who speaks her mind at all times, even in my presence and in spite of Dani's constant shushing of her, and who harbors an almost fatal fear of rabbits. I believe Xander's initial interest in her was almost thwarted as he, uninformed of this strong feeling, presented her with a carving of rabbit shortly after meeting her for the first time. Suffice it to say, I believe he has gotten over her rejection of his efforts and that when he did not return to the castle for more and more nights, we did not worry his absence. For the past year he has lived in the village and we are always able to locate him by calling at the bake shop.

And what of my Dani? My reason, at least initially, for moving to this Estate? She has blossomed beautifully here. Free from the shadow of Delam and Doris and even Derek as I am of my father and Melanie, her management skills are highlighted and almost exploited here. It was she who first proposed and explained the advantages to allowing the villagers to plant and harvest our land. She has suggested multiple variations in design of this building or the tools used on the Estate, each time supplying Xander with sketches and then working with him as he creates custom tools. Each and every effort has gained efficiency and productivity increases and many of them we have shared with the main Estate with profuse gratitude from my father. She has not yet completed her exploration of the library and I frequently hear her voice raised with or against Giles's in discussion of an obscure point of philosophy or theory.

Inspired by her indulgence of Xander's interest in corresponding with his father she began, with my approval, to teach him his letters and basic reading and writing. Interestingly Briena and Lory both asked to be taught and these lessons have continued weekly. Fredrek has joined my girl in her teachings and they have expanded greatly. Sometimes as many as twelve or thirteen villagers will arrive for the lessons. While I don't think that the meal we serve at the conclusion of the lesson hurts attendance, most of them seem to come primarily for the rare opportunity.

And we have been blessedly shielded from society here. We have received invitations to balls but most are so far away that we could not attend them even if we wished to do so. Stefan has taken leave of our Estate on three occasions to represent us at large celebrations, each time returning in such high spirits that I did not have to ask to know that Faith was also in attendance. Occasionally we accommodate visiting nobility which brings us some entertainment and political and economic reports from close or distant lands. When I was younger and my father assured me that my high marks would ensure Dani of "class in her prospective mates" the thought sickened me. Now I appreciate it in that in over two years we have had only one visit from a five-marked noble. Most Lords remain on their own estates unless attending the highest and most important of celebrations (as my marking was) so we have been free of that possibility and all the happier for it. I once happened upon Merie taking with Dani and would posit that the possibility of our isolation was at least part of the reason for both her and Lory volunteering to accompany us. While I do not think to question their relationship, they seem quite happy to share quarters.

And my relationship with my love only blossomed with our adventure and freedom. Our connection, our conversation, our intimacy was increased over and over again each time I looked at her. I felt as if each moment with Dani was an expression of every good part of my very soul. So often, we knew what the other was thinking without words. Our roles, our titles, dropped away until days and even weeks went by with no address other than Tara or Dani or "my love" or "sweetie." I can not think that the others of our Estate thought Dani disrespectful but surely they understood that she was not the usual servant but more appropriately my partner in every aspect our lives. And while she has still never professed her love for me in any but the most general and respectful of words, she demonstrated that love over and over. Where she was shy in expressing her needs and wants, in initiating our intimacy, she left this reservation on our prior home. Sharing my almost overwhelming passion ...

Does this sound like a confession? Should I call a priestess or my father to sit in judgment or assign penance toward my absolution? And can there ever be absolution for my sins? You see now, do you not, the way I took advantage of my girl? How I used her over and over and never saw the evil of my ways. And was it more horrible for her? Being abused by one who spoke of love? When she cried after our lovemaking and told me that it was because she was so moved by my love for her, by her own happiness, were they truly tears of joy or did she cry in pain and I in my selfishness never realized?

I would do anything she asked to gain my love's absolution. To gain my love's... love. For there is nothing else for me. I shall never marry, my title be damned. Eventually, of course, I must bear my successor and this I shall do. But marry? I will not and I will not be forced.

If she should return. Dani. I would fall on my knees and beg her forgiveness. Offer her everything I can. My partnership in truth. My very life. Anything she asks. Anything.

Before I took this chair, I held out hope that my beliefs were not so wrong, my actions not so evil. That Dani did love me as I do her. That she was willing and eager to love me but somehow, for some reason, unwilling to say so. But in this, the darkest hour of night, that glimmer of hope fades and I torture myself with the certainty that she felt no such passion. No such tenderness of affection for me.

I put the time four in the morning and my mind plays tricks on me. The coral door seems to swing on the hinge and I mentally put on my list that Dani needs to ask someone to oil it and fix the latch before I remember... A few moments later I imagine it closing but by that time I no longer care for the noise it makes.

The sun will rise in no more than three hours and I still must tell of Lord Finn's visit and everything which has transpired since that day.

And I will.