Author: JustSkipIt
Rating: R to NC-17
Feedback: Please leave feedback on the Waiting for Dani thread on the Kitten Board.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own Willow and Tara and the Buffyverse. I'm not saying this universe is totally original but I didn't steal it from any author or creator that I know of. No copyright infringement is meant by this fic and I will not make any money from it.
Distribution: Kitten Board, Through the Looking Glass, Mystic Muse. Everyone else, send me a note.

Additional and permanent disclaimer: Yadda yadda. Yadda Yadda. Not comfortable. Power imbalance. Etc.

That visit was not unexpected. In fact, it was the most distant thing from unexpected. It was preceded by a formal letter from my father, a less formal one from Anne, a very formal one from Lady Finn, and servants and gifts from the Finn Estate. The Finn Estate requested my audience on a "matter involving the future and fortunes of our two exalted and noble houses." In other words, Master Riley wanted to marry Miss Anne.

My father's letter, as I said, was highly formal. He was respectful and let me know that he approved of the marriage while also letting me know that it was entirely mine to approve or refuse. Had the Finns no standing Lady or even a Lady with no magic, it is possible that the two Lords could have negotiated the marriage but given our standing as magic users (she third generation and myself fourth), it would fall to us to decide and arrange the marriage.

Anne's letter? Her writing had improved greatly given her years of studying toward the bar (an examination she intended to sit in the next six moons). Still, it was littered with references to Riley's greatness, his intelligence, his humor, his good looks, his manly-manlieness. I remembered him as a bore but my sister loved him dearly and the match was a good one politically. It was particularly fortunate for our family given that I had no intention of marrying - an issue pressed in Anne's letter but not my father's.

Lady Finn's missive was delivered by not one but three messengers who also brought a gift of two horses, two barrels of ale, and yards of silk. Their intention of impressing us was lost on no one and I answered quite formally naming a date for their visit. We then leapt into a frenzy of cleaning not seen before nor since. We knew not how many guests they would bring but prepared every room in the castle in case the entire Estate came (as was likely). Stefan stepped up his hunting efforts and we slaughtered goats, sheep, and cows to prepare for the feasts. We did not raise pigs, partially because Dani did not appreciate the meat so we left those off the menu.

Thankfully, Faith and Dawn arrived in response to my repeated and open-ended requests for their presence days after I replied to Lady Finn. I could scarcely have been happier to see the Creator herself than my youngest sister. I don't delude myself that she came only for me as Stefan and she were quite inseparable but she was an untold help in every task until the visit and I find myself tearing up at the memory of her coming to my aid when I needed it.

In the meanwhile, my stomach hurt with thoughts that again Lord Finn would be near my girl. I doubted he would attempt marks-rights while his wife negotiated a marriage between our families but I strongly considered sending Faith and Dani to buy horses for the bulk of the visit nonetheless. When I mentioned the idea to Faith she looked at me sideways, pursed her lips, and answered that we needed no horses. When I mentioned it to Dani... she left the room without answer. It was the first time she had ever done such a thing and part of me wanted to follow her to ask why she was so mad but the other was too shocked at her departure to react.

That night after dinner Faith and I were engaged in a game of Chest when she mentioned her eventual marriage to Stefan. It began with her asking if I could approve their marriage at the same time and save us all the trouble. I teased her that it didn't seem that the Finns would be bringing payment for two brides: only one. She scoffed at the implication and said that her payment would be much lower than Anne's to which I took her hands in my own and softly kissed the palms as I told her that her first daughter would be a magic user just as much as Anne's.

"But Anne's first daughter will be a Lady."

I laughed out loud. "You could marry Riley. He's very funny and smart and have you noticed how manly he is?"

Faith laughed as well. "Oh yes. That's what this visit is about. Riley wants to marry me and his family is bringing pigs and chickens and ale and horses to bribe your decision."

"Or he's coming to ask for my hand." I held my marks out and traced the back of my hand as if referencing marriage marks.

Faith looked across the room. "What of you, my lovely sister and Lady. Will you marry?"

I followed her eyes to where she gazed across the room at Giles and Dani bent over a book on astronomy. For a moment my throat felt tight and I thought to speak the truth. To tell Faith that I loved Dani dearly and would never marry but I could not do it, even for my sister. "I can not afford courting time."

My sister never took her eyes off my lover. "Of course, My Lady."

Did Faith know something? And what did she know? Why did she not tell me? Warn me? If I saw her doing something so abhorrent, so wrong I would tell her. I would warn her. I would...

Or would I? I say that I would tell her, would stop her but I am speaking from my experience as her Lady. She can only come at the thing from her experience as my younger sister and not a Lady so I can't say what I would do in her place.

As the Finn visit closed in on us, I became more and more possessive of my girl. My wanting her, that was a norm. I always wanted her and she was used to my needs and wants but this was an even stronger need. We made love. Made love. I can't believe I use that term even. But I thought it was and so I will. We made love morning and night for days-her need for me seeming as insatiable as my own for her. I no more than entered the room at night or stirred in the morning and she was upon me, her hands pulling me toward the bed and stripping my clothes from my body in a practiced ease that I would never equal. And we were never so gloriously connected as that last few weeks before the visit. Our bodies fit perfectly and I could feel her thoughts and feelings as we moved together.

One unfortunate aspect of the visit was Dani and I had to cease our magical practice in preparation for Lady Finn's arrival. With no other magic users for leagues, we had gotten into the wonderful habit of performing magic together nearly every day. Some days it was a simple spell such as floating a rose and guiding it with our minds (quite child play for both of us), others it was working together to bring rain to parts of the land which most needed it or to hold posts level while riding and repairing fence. Nothing made me happier than to see my girl getting to express her own power through her magic. But with Lady Finn arriving, and certainly given that my visitor and I would be performing magic together, she would be able to pick up the additional magical signature.

By the day before the Finn arrival, our Estate positively shone in comparison to our arrival a mere two years earlier. I approached Master Stefan early in the day in private to let him know that he was welcome to ride out to join his former Estate and arrive in their processional. He thanked me for my consideration and informed me that he felt more at home and of use in my employ and would proudly represent the Maclay Estate for as long as we wished to have him. The interchange brought tears to both of our eyes and a rare hug between us. As I pulled away I whispered in his ear that I was ready to approve his marriage to Faith at his request and he smiled, giving only the slightest nod to acknowledge this informal and mildly inappropriate comment.

Having worked so hard to get ready, our staff deserved a break and I attempted to give it to them. Mid-morning, Dani and I circulated telling everyone to take the day off, doing only what was absolutely necessary and urgent for the visit. This instruction left only Briena with many tasks and Dani and I pitched in to help her as we could. While helping in the kitchen is far from my ideal day, it gave me the opportunity to get to know this quiet girl better. She had been quite committed to the reading lessons and asked us both questions throughout the day from the book she read as she stirred. Later in the day I asked Dani to ensure that Briena received a gift, perhaps a few books of her own, to express my gratitude for her hard work not only this month but since arriving and my girl assured me that she would take care of the matter after our guests left.

The following morning our entire Estate turned out in our finest dress to meet the Finn processional just inside our gates. Had we met them outside the gates, it would have been a sign that we distrusted them or welcomed them warily. Meeting them at the castle would have indicated a lack of interest on our part for the meeting and all spots between indicated our attitude toward the meeting. We amassed about 12 feet inside the gate to indicate our welcome and interest in their visit.

We were not great in number but I believe we looked a respectable Estate with myself, Dani, Fredrek, Faith, Dawn, Stefan, Jonah, Giles, and our other house bound servants. Those of us with marks on our hands extended them toward Lady Finn, Lord Finn, Master Riley, and our visitors approached with theirs similarly extended. Once they had crossed the threshold of our estate, I touched marks with Lady Finn before welcoming her. Then followed a long session of greetings between each noble member of each house and each noble member of the other including mark-bound servants. Many of the Finns we were well acquainted with but I had not met Stefan's father nor Lady Finn's two married sisters. The daughter of one of those sisters was a magic user so we would have three practioners for our investigation.

Next came the gifts. We had prepared tokens to welcome our guests including fabrics, needlework, and carvings (most created by Xander). They, being in greater need of impressing us, brought gifts of livestock, wheat, ale, wine, fruit, and two bound-servants. I could not show my emotion but I contemplated how I would tell them that I would not accept the final gift. The Maclay family has long been opposed to exchanges of that sort and our preference is commonly known but the Finns obviously did not know this trait. It would fall to me to pass on this information without seeming disrespectful. I could feel Dani's tensing as the servants's names were not even mentioned and I can't imagine that our other servants felt differently.

Having dismounted, I led Lady Finn to the area I had designated for our magical interaction. Faith and Lady Finn's sisters drew the circle and we three practioners stepped inside. Without discussion we fell into an enjoyable and powerful display of magics with aspects from each of the elements. A slight part of my mind knew that the other members of my Estate were leading our guests to their rooms, stabling their horses, touring them through the library. Stefan I had asked to lead a hunting expedition and no doubt he had taken many of our visitors with him. But that was only a small portion of my mind. Most of my self was occupied fully with the creation of these powerful magics. Our display was both ceremonial and investigatory as we prodded to determine strengths and weaknesses in each other's power. Neither Lady Finn or young Miss Turner could equal my power and precision but their powers were respectable. Lady Finn had an elegance to her execution that it seemed would interact quite well with Anne's energy when she produced a daughter. By the time we completed our practice, dusk was in the sky. Dani as well as Lady Finn and Miss Turner's bound servants were there to hand each of us a warm drink and lead us back to the Castle. We needed no words to express our satisfaction in what our investigations had revealed and we visited quite comfortably as we walked.

Having never moved from the room my lover had chosen for us that first day, I ensconced Lady Finn in the master suite and she was quite pleased by the accommodations. Lord Finn was on another hallway in a room nearly as elegant but with a more manly feel to it. As yet, I had not but exchanged the formal greetings with Lord Finn nor Riley. That was sure to change at dinner and my bathing and dressing ritual forced me to reset my thinking to allow me to effectively interact with them.

Dani looked stunning in a dark-blue gown and her brown riding boots which were polished to look like new. I wanted to undress her the moment she was dressed and told her as much. Her hands cupped my hips as she whispered that it seemed an excellent idea to her and some suggestions for what I might do once she was thus not arrayed. I was wearing, for the first time in my formal presentation, not a gown but brown leather trousers and an elaborately embroidered white shirt worn open at the neck and hanging loose around my waist. At first I hadn't felt comfortable dressed so for such a meeting but Faith and Dani convinced me that it portrayed both my position and elegance and the activity of our life in working this Estate to bring it to the prestige it deserved. I will admit, quite shamefully, that I had been fully convinced of my appearance after my sister left us and Dani displayed the reaction she had to seeing me in my unusual shirt.

Per tradition, Dani and I arrived last to the banquet, allowing all others to be seated and watch for our arrival. We greeted them as we took our places at the head of the table. I have never enjoyed public speaking greatly but I do feel that I did my name and house proud with the welcome and blessing and I could detect no disappointment in my remarks. When I had finished my comments, Lady Finn took my cue and stood to deliver her own, expressing their joy to be visiting and her high hopes for the intertwined future of our fortunes. Lord Finn spoke next, delivering a similar speech and praising the game and the general condition of the Estate. It was apparent from his words that news of the previous condition of Maclay East had reached the Finns and that they were impressed with the reformation we had made in such a short time. I made a mental note to again reward those of our Estate for their hard work and results.

The meal was elegant and delicious. The Finn family cooks had joined my Briena in the kitchen and reports were that their work together was flawless. Everyone enjoyed the food and we had reports on the activities of all attendees. The hunt had gone well with Dawn and Stefan showing particular skill. Their respective ranks placed Faith and Stefan across the large table from each other and although no one mentioned it, their affection was apparent to all present. Negotiating their union would be enjoyable and easy.

If Faith's reports were accurate, and I had no reason to doubt them, I would be negotiating Donnie's union with Melissa within the twelve-month and I felt impressed enough by Lady Finn's deportment to feel that I could copy her behaviors to some extent. Of course the Finns could offer Anne an eventual Ladyship when the current Lord and Lady had passed while Melissa would have no such offer unless I vacated my position which I was surely not going to do nor would I be asked. Fortunately, with four-marks she was ensured her own Ladyship upon her mother's passing. Another difference in that event and this was that when we went to ride out for that negotiation, I would take with me my father, Donnie, Melanie, and T'solde at least not to mention the servants and gifts.

The meal went well with conversation ranging from reports of news and crop production to social events and gossip. Of both political news and social information, we were far more likely to be the recipient than the distributor but it was nice to hear reports. Later we had music but had not planned for dancing. Our guests and ourselves socialized, played games, or told stories and the atmosphere was quite relaxed. I noticed a few of the noble men leaving with servants or their own wives but for the most part our servants were left unmolested which was a relief to me and I can imagine to Lory and Merie as well for their relationship had become even more clear to me as time passed. As I had prepared no useless errands for my girl, Lord Finn's decorum was a blessing.

The evening's socialization went quite late but that didn't decrease our ardor, my girl and I. If anything, fueled by my relief that no one would take advantage of my girl as well as her appearance and her by my dress, we nearly broke the bed. Let me correct that. We broke the bed. True it was only that a small piece of the headboard broke off in my hand, something that would not be noticed as it actually fit the pattern of the art, but you may well imagine how tightly I was grasping it to have broken it off. Or you may imagine what Dani was doing that was causing me to grip the slats so tightly. Embarrassment at the acts I have described rages within me and I can produce no further details.

When finally we lay fully spent and drifting into sleep I felt my lover's arms wrap so warmly around me and felt her lips gently kissing the top of my head. And it was then that I first heard the words I had dreamt of for so long. She whispered her love so quietly I would have missed if I had been five seconds closer to sleep. Then it would have just been the seed of the greatest dream of my life but said as it was, it filled my heart with joy. I turned sleepily to kiss her lips and repeat my love again and again as tears rolled down both of our faces. I can remember no more as sleep captured us both.

So I had my confession of love. The words I had desired for so long. Those I had requested hundreds, no thousands, of times. And part of me wants to believe them. Wants to believe that Dani loved me just as I wish I could believe that she wanted me. All those times. So many times. And that part of me, a part which grows smaller and weaker every minute which passes, sits here waiting for her to return to me.

The larger part of me? My growing torment tells me that Dani is, was, a well-trained servant. The most perfect of servants and that being that well trained, she knew what her Mistress wanted to feel and hear. I can not blame her for I don't accuse her of deciept, of trickery or manipulation. Rather, she could detect my longing for her (for who could not?) and gave in to that longing. I pulled those words from her lips as I pulled her dignity from her body.

Over and over.

I awoke early the next morning to find Dani gone from our rooms and myself wondering if I had dreamt her confession of love. I quickly went to freshen up and she came in before I could even put on the outfit she had laid out for me. I smiled as she walked through the door and she seemed as happy as I was. She verily bounded across the floor to kiss and hug me and twirled in a circle, displaying the small cherry tart she had obviously gotten from downstairs.

"Your predilection to charming the kitchen staff has never abated," I teased with mock sternness. "What am I going to do with you?"

She put a bite of the morsel with amazingly flaky crust and tart fruit into my mouth as she laughed. "You have no one but yourself and your brother to blame for my evil ways." She popped the last bite into her own mouth and then kissed me with fruit juice still on her lips.

I pulled her closer with my arms around her lower back and began to kiss her neck as I responded. "Maybe I like your evil ways..."

"You certainly liked them last night, or should I say this morning, My Lady." She whispered a few details of the night before in my ear and I coughed in shock. Sometimes the words that came from my girl's beautiful mouth were enough to make my eyes nearly pop out of my head. Yes, I was used to doing the things she described, but the language was quite risqué and I wondered if this was how the servants spoke among themselves. Certainly, she knew words that I had never heard from anyone else and occasionally she made suggestions I had never even considered, which is not to say that those suggestions weren't greatly appreciated in almost all cases.

I grasped her cheeks and kissed her deeply before releasing her. "I would much rather stay here and listen to your colorful speech but we must greet our guests and plan a wedding."

My girl bowed playfully as if she were being sent to work. "Breakfast is on the sideboard and Master Riley looks as if he would like to corner you to discuss dancing."

I rolled my eyes at the thought. Thank the Creator Anne would be marrying him rather than myself. Even the few snippets of conversation I had heard from him confirmed my suspicions that he was the world's dullest man, four marks or no. I would have rather had Dani read me recipes from a faded cookbook than he bring me a live tiger for a pet. I dressed, again in fine riding clothes rather than ball dress, and descended the stairs. The menu offered abundant fruit and breads as well as breakfast meat and cheeses and I loaded up on the fruit and bread with a glass of milk. As Dani had informed me, Riley waited near my table head and I could do nothing but take my seat and listen to his drivel until Lady and Lord Finn arrived-separately of course. Given the distance they kept it was a wonder they had managed to produce Riley and his two younger brothers and no wonder that they had not continued trying until they produced a future Lady.

Oh, I turn snide as I move through my story do I not? Perhaps when I rise from this chair I will begin to pack Dani's clothes so that at least she will have something to change into today. The rest can wait but I can hardly deny her a change of clothes can I?

Following breakfast the groups again set about to explore the Estate, do their responsibilities, or engage in unorganized competitions and games. This was not a celebration as our marking had been so we were not responsible for scheduling the time. We had sufficiently impressed those present and our toasts at dinner the night before confirmed our intentions. Today would come the planning and negotiations.

Lady Finn, Lord Finn, their servants, myself, and Dani retired to the library where we would not be disturbed. Any needs for food or drink would be handled by our marked-servants and I saw that Dani had already set up a table with ale, wine, and kaffee as well as fruits and rolls. She was our chief scribe as we made plans. Given that both our Estates needed to harvest and process our crops we determined November 6th as the best day for the union. We would be finished with our work and the date would allow myself and my accompaniment to join Maclay Main for our journey to the wedding. In our society, it is traditional for the more highly ranked partner's family to host the wedding. In the case of equal ranks, the groom's family hosts. With Estate ranks and respect roughly equal, they would host the wedding. From my Estate I would estimate the journey at about a day and a half and from Maclay Main just at a day.

Although they were hosts and responsible for the entertainment, accommodations, and presentation, we needed to contribute our share for the extravaganza. As Dani calculated the needs of the party, we agreed to supply the Finn Estate with four cows, twelve goats, 50 chickens, four barrels of wine (proudly supplied by Maclay East), bushels of wheat, and countless more. I will not bore you with lists and more lists but suffice it to say that we would respectably and impressively make our contributions.

Next, Lady Finn's woman began the list of invitations. Our initial list held the names of over eight hundred guests and we agreed to pare that down. By mid-afternoon we had narrowed that list to between 450 and 500 guests. T'dre is, without compare as a marks-artist and I assured them that she would commit the marks. When asked if I would be assisting her, I responded that I intended to perform my art at whatever level T'dre felt I was now worthy and Lady Finn flattered me that my work was impressive and she would b proud for me to perform the marks. I knew that T'dre would at least want me to set Delia and Riley's servant's marks.

By dinner time we had settled most of the matters regarding the union, made two copies, signed them, and embossed them with our family crests. As we left to prepare for our meal, I motioned to Lady Finn that I would appreciate her attention for another moment.

"Lady Maclay?"

"Lady Finn, I will not keep you long from our delicious dinner."

She nodded. "Your cooks make quite exquisite delights."

"As do yours."

She waited and it was obvious to both of us that I must speak. "You honor us with the gifts to our Estate and we appreciate them." I thought I might stutter but I did not and I took a deep breath. "But the final gift, the servants, we can not accept."

Lady Finn studied me for a moment as if to determine my attitude. Then she smiled broadly. "Well done, Lady Maclay. Evan and Augusta would have been well served in your employ."

For a moment, I felt anger at having been tested so but I could appreciate the effort and smiled in return before motioning toward the door.

Following the meal, I stood and raised my wine glass, waiting for all present to do the same. "My father's love for my mother was legendary..." I told an abbreviated story of my parent's story before expressing my wish that Riley and Anne's love always be as pure and strong.

Our guests left the next day by noon as did the messenger who would carry the news of our arrangements to Maclay Main where I knew Anne waited eagerly. She would have had to know that I would approve the match both for political reasons and because I had been raised to honor love so. I would never deny my sibling love nor position.

Over the next six months we continued to elevate the fortunes of our emerging land. Our harvests were greater still than prior. We no longer needed the villagers to share in our crops but we had found this practice to be one which greatly benefited our people while still benefiting our Estate so we continued it. Our wine production improved and constant work on the fruit trees was paying off in greatly increased harvests of peaches, apricots, berries, and apples to name a few. My father wrote again and again to express his pride and joy in our success running the land.

Zhorro's fourth litter produced seven pups and Dani took it upon herself to give them to the children of the village rather than selling them as hunting dogs. I found her choice to be as endearing as it was generous.

In the meantime, I corresponded constantly with the Finn estate as well as our own. Many matters required my personal attention while others could be handled by Anne or Melanie. We received weekly reports on the responses to invitations and the accommodations arranged for attendees. By early October the wedding was sure to host 17 Lords or Ladies and 19 magic practitioners. It was likely that both numbers would increase in the coming weeks. Not only were all five-mark nobles who had attended my marks celebration coming, but the Finns had an additional range of acquaintance to invite and many of these had responded in the affirmative. Maclay Main sent most of the livestock gifts while we sent the wine from our first year.

Even without the wedding arrangements, harvest was an exhausting process. Rarely did we stay late in the parlor to play games or read. Everyone went to bed shortly after dinner, looking as if we might drop if we did not move quickly enough. Even Dani and my love making was reduced as we were both simply to tired some nights. Regardless, we always held each other tightly and this was at times almost as good to me.

By the middle of October I knew that I needed to speak to Dani regarding the wedding. We closed the door to our room and embraced quickly but I pulled away, aware that Dani regarded me curiously. "I need to speak to you, my love." Dani watched me closely before taking a seat on the edge of the bed. For a moment I thought she would return to her ancient habit of kneeling but it had been literally years since she had done so in anything but jest or passion. I chewed on my fingernail for a moment. "I... I have made a decision."

"Yes, My Lady?"

"I need you to stay here and run the Estate in my absence." I waited. "Giles is a worthy Steward and Fredrek is quite an able man but I need you here to carry out my wishes."

Dani stood and took a few steps across the room. Then she turned and retraced her steps. She did this four times before stopping in front of me. "Please don't do this, My Lady."

I brushed a lock of hair from her face to place it behind her ear. "You are far too valuable to attend this event." Tears threatened the corners of my eyes and I blinked to hold them back.

Dani bit at her lip before speaking. "My Lady, my value is the exact reason that you must take me."

Politically she was right. Her presence and deportment always increased my standing as her superiority was well known. Our time on Maclay East had only grown her beauty and the strength of her body as well as her wealth. She had not lost a game of strategy in over four years and her hunting skills were without weakness. Even so, how could I take her to the wedding? It would be attended by, at current count, 11 Lords. I felt sure that Lord Finn would consider he had waited long enough and others had not even met my beautiful girl. I could not possibly keep her safe. I touched her cheeks as I felt tears start to pool in my eyes. "Please do this for me, my love." My voice broke as I spoke and she embraced me fiercely.

I attempted to speak again through my tears but she placed her fingertips against my lips and pulled me toward the bed. "Here all is truth," she whispered and then I was in that space. That magical space and time where planning and politics and fear were nothing and Dani was everything. Just Dani and the feel of her skin everywhere. And everywhere. And everywhere.

Later, I don't know how much later, we lay in the bed in a kind of spent stupor. Dani lifted herself up onto on elbow and continued tracing my skin with her fingertips. "Tara, if I ask you only one question will you tell me the truth?"

I took her hand and gently kissed the palm. "Anything, my love. Anything."

She took a breath and looked away. When she spoke her voice sounded small and scared and her question shocked me for I had not even considered such a suggestion. "Will you meet your husband at this wedding?" I sat up quickly and grasped her wrists in my hands but I could not find the words to answer her question. In truth, I was so busy wanting to keep her from the wedding that I had not even considered my future.

"No. I will not."

She rolled over and pulled my arms to wrap around her body. "I know what you must do, My Lady, but I do not want us to have a husband." I attempted to soothe and shush her but she had started crying as I had never seen, even the night of her marks. I could not make out everything she said but bits and pieces were clear. She cried that losing your will was the worst thing that could happen. That to give up her body would break her soul again and again. I rocked her and rocked her as she fell into an exhausted sleep.

Again I must admit to my own shame that I had never considered this possibility and the effect it would have on my girl. While I had vowed to myself that I would never take a husband, she did not know this fact. And she was quite perceptive in understanding what it would mean to her for me to take a husband. Surely, any man I married would have five-marks for I would never have been expected to marry less. And suppose that I took his marriage in order to bear my magic user. I feel nauseous to think of it but I would have ... performed as I needed in order to bear my heirs and no more. I would never even spend the night with a husband and he would little miss me, given his choice of women happy to enjoy marks-rights with him. But Dani? How would I keep him from enjoying those rights with her. With my girl? We would have no defense against him.

And to use her words it would break her soul again and again.

Again and again.

Oh Creator! Why did it take me so long to understand her words? Still I did not listen. Still I could not hear her. For three years I took her will. I broke her soul again and again and still I did not see.

I endeavored to wake before my girl and the first words I said to her were my vow, my promise which I made on my mother's memory and my very title that I would never take a husband. And my girl, of course, attempted to soothe me. She said that I should not be so hasty and that we did not know what the future would bring. Her eyes when she mentioned the future were so sad that I thought for a moment we would both fall into the abyss and never be found but she looked away and seemed to shake the mood. Then she slid from the bed and onto the floor to kneel, a position which I mirrored, so unwilling to was I to have her thus, and repeated that I must do what I must and that she was my servant always. That my wishes were hers always. I kissed her over and over and we stayed long enough in our room that Briena knocked on the door at mid-morning to ask if we were in need of anything.

Over the next two weeks, my girl's mood was dark. Oh she still performed her duties greater than any other servant could, but she was saddened and I hated to see it. When she could find an inroads in our private conversation, she again asked me, begged me to take her with me to the wedding. She wept and pleaded that she did not want to be so far from me for so long, that she loved me and was worried what might happen to me without her protection. Her mood she hid from those around us so that no one suspected the pain I inflicted on her but I could see it daily and I attempted to comfort her as I could.

I feel sick to think of it now. She told me so clearly how I had taken and hurt her and I comforted her with a repeat of these unspeakable acts.

And yet.

And yet, I sit here confused and conflicted. This is the first time I have gone through our entire story from the beginning and I can see evidence from both sides. Years ago I knew without doubt and without reservation that my girl loved me as I do her. Her actions, her words, support this hope. But the converse of that interpretation is clearly more reasonable: that Dani, led only by my perverse wishes and her binding fulfilled my wants as she would any order. That she did these things, said these words, to satisfy me, regardless of her own wishes. And that she attempted to tell me, did she not, what this meant? But I did not listen at the time and by the time I did, I could hardly look at her.

What else can I say for now? Myself, Stefan, and Jonah left our Estate for Maclay Main the first Sunday in November. My girl rode with us until just after lunch, her fingertips sliding through mine as she turned for home and the sensation of her plea to return home to her quickly and safely tingling against my ear.