Author: JustSkipIt
Rating: R to NC-17
Feedback: Please leave feedback on the Waiting for Dani thread on the Kitten Board.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own Willow and Tara and the Buffyverse. I'm not saying this universe is totally original but I didn't steal it from any author or creator that I know of. No copyright infringement is meant by this fic and I will not make any money from it.
Distribution: Kitten Board, Through the Looking Glass, Mystic Muse. Everyone else, send me a note.

Additional and permanent disclaimer: Yadda yadda. Yadda Yadda. Not comfortable. Power imbalance. Etc.

Note - Thanks to Cam for the name suggestion.

My company and I rode in relative silence throughout the afternoon. We had long dispensed with the formal processional and took turns at the lead or following in a fluid manner, even allowing Jonah to ride in front of our very short line. More frequently, we rode three abreast at a quick pace but not hurrying. We would camp the night at a stream, really more a river, and meet up with the rest of the family around mid-morning, riding to the Finn Estate in the early afternoon.

I looked greatly forward to this meeting with my extended family. With the exception of Faith and Dawn, I had seen no one else from Maclay Main in over two years. In further evidence of their affection for each other, Melissa would be traveling with the Maclay family rather than her own although she would stay in quarters apportioned to her Estate. Also traveling with the family would be Ursula. I had written her weeks ago to ask her indulgence in accompanying me personally to the wedding. She would be a free and paid employee of our Estate for this short period and her duties would be limited to assisting me with my responsibilities at the wedding and celebration and helping me dress. In no other way, would she be required to fulfill any duties and she would have wide latitude as far as her own involvement in the celebration. She had agreed quite eagerly to accompany us both as a tribute to my Ladyship and the memories of my mother and grandmother and because she desired to see Anne's fine wedding. Her "man friend" as Dani had introduced him years earlier was ailing and would not be making the trip.

Stefan was, by this time, a fine and trusted friend and employee. I relied on him heavily throughout the journey as my spirits lagged following Dani's departure. By mid afternoon I felt as if I were in a sort of herbally-induced stupor. I dozed fitfully astride my mount and seemed to have a mild fever. I woke over and over from dream-filled naps, each time coming awake with a start and looking around me to orient myself. The dreams were a return of my old nightmare-that which had left me for a time after we had moved to Maclay East - my girl with the discordant profiles. One showed her face in joy while the other showed her pain. My dreams were rather... intimate but as my girl was about to reach the pinnacle of our passion she would turn her face to gaze at me and her joy would dissolve into horror and pain. I woke at that moment over and over that day until I finally called a halt to our journey and, giving no explanation, handed my reins to Stefan as I went on foot in search of a few roots I knew from my magical studies. They were intended to calm the recipient's nerves and I took my time gathering, then preparing them. Stefan and Jonah waited patiently and quietly as I went about this process, then set out again just as silently once I had taken a liberal dose of the herbs.

The rest of the afternoon I spent again dozing, although this time I was free from these disturbing visions. We hunted as we traveled and stopped to eat and rest long after darkness had fallen in unspoken consideration of our unscheduled stop. I built the fire even before we reached our camp location and the men erected the two tents as I cooked a simple dinner. Our meal was shrouded in a sort of awkward silence until I broke it to discuss our harvest and the events of the wedding celebration. We retired early, agreeing to rise before dawn and depart shortly thereafter.

Not surprisingly, Jonah was awake and warming some corn cakes on the stones by the fire pit when I emerged from my tent. He greeted me shyly but respectfully and indicated that Stefan was at the stream. I excused myself to a copse of nearby shrubs and then joined Master Finn at the stream. He was in a fine mood, whistling as he washed and I teased that he must be very happy to see Faith today. So wonderful a mood did he carry that he did not even deny the source of his joy. We returned to the camp fire cleaner and a bit more splattered with water than we had arrived but both in joyous spirits and hungry after our travel the day before. Jonah handed each of us a plate of the sweet cakes, fruit, and cheese and we ate quickly. Given that we had a few hours to ride before we would encounter the rest of the Estate and approach the Finn lands, we agreed to remain in our riding clothes until we neared the rendezvous. If my companions noticed my taking more of the herbs from yesterday, they did not mention it and I saw no glances between them. Normally I eschew herbs and other intoxicating substances but my sleep had been restless and I could not afford another morning spent in the company of demons. I cut the valerian dose in half to allow myself to stay awake but limit my emotionality.

We rode throughout the morning with long stretches of peace and quiet interrupted by genial conversation. Stefan was very easy-going as I knew and Jonah nearly silent. Nothing about their presence could be offensive and I admonished myself for my snide thoughts as I compared Faith and Anne's respective suitors. My thoughts were not so troubled as the day before, yet I felt as if something were tickling at the edges of my mind. I felt inklings of doubts over a number of topics: my running of the estate, my purposes, Dani's love for me. Each time one of these thoughts arose, I had to close my eyes and breathe deeply to allow the panic to pass.

Yet, that thought, that tickling thought, seemed to encroach further and further into my brain. As the morning went on I began to review my relationship with my girl. And it wasn't just for the sake of enjoying the passing time but I could tell that there was something bothering my mind and heart and I endeavored to discover the source. I almost despaired that I had taken the herbs (and retaken them at mid-morning), yet I needed my power and energy when we approached the remainder of the family. So I, with considerable effort, attempted to investigate my own thoughts and feelings regarding my lover and myself in spite of my numbed state. I inventoried our love affair, creating a mental listing of sweet sentiments, affections shared, professions of love, and a hundred other aspects.

What did I discover from this investigation? That my exertions, my efforts and affections toward Dani seemed much greater than hers and that she was acting in our love much as a servant would act in her relationship with her Mistress.

Ok. That and that it is hard to concentrate on riding and conversing when one's mind is occupied with an inventory of the most intimate and pleasurable aspects of the past three years.

But that discovery was neither troubling nor surprising. My ruminations on her participation, however, were quite troubling for reasons I could not fully identify. I felt unreasonably uncomfortable acknowledging the imbalance in our relationship. Moreover, I questioned whether it was possible to separate our "work" relationship from our personal one. Was it possible that our personal relationship was, in fact, merely part of our "work" relationship? I felt ill as I pondered this question over the hours of our journey.

Perhaps a quarter of an hour after noting this sickening possibility, we spotted smoke in the sky. We glanced at each other with smiles and then speeded up our progress to reach the rest of the family much quicker. Stefan and Jonah fell in behind me but we did not stop to change our dress. If the family had a fire started, they had reached the site early and would be preparing lunch. We could dine together and then prepare for your approach to the Finn Estate a few hours hence. Jonah spotted our group first and gave a hearty yell. Within seconds we could see horses racing towards us and hear Donnie's answering yell. He and Faith reached us first and there was much hugging and kissing (that only between Faith and Stefan) and laughing as we rode back to camp together.

I dismounted before greeting my father formally. We then broke the formality to share a long overdue hug. Next were Melanie, Delam, Anne, Tadre, Delia, Ursula, and the rest of the family. After the formal greeting with my father, the remainder were quite casual with the exception of Anne's. She greeted me as if I were a Lady she had never met and turned her back as soon as we had dropped our hands. I stood shaking my head and continued my greetings.

Shortly, everyone was engaged in a task and I walked down to the creek to wash up. As Faith and Stefan had drifted off together, Dawn came with me and she was in good spirits. While I had no direct authority over Dawn, I had always felt very close with her and felt that she would be candid with me. As we passed the soap back and forth, I asked her why Anne was so cold toward me. I had a fair idea but I wanted to hear confirmation.

Dawn rolled her eyes as she morphed into a reasonable impression of my sister. "I simply can't believe that she would shame me so badly. How can she do it? It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair!" She reverted to her own voice. "She's upset that are insulting her and Master Riley by not bringing D'ni."

"Dani was needed at Maclay East more than at this wedding, not matter how important it is."

Dawn nodded her head. "Of course, Lady Tara."

"You don't agree?"

Dawn ducked under the water to rinse her long hair and rose after a few seconds to begin to wring it out. "There is much work to be done at your home."

I persevered in my questioning. "But?"

"I think that everyone misses Dani and would have liked to see her."

I took my turn to duck under the water, staying a bit longer both to get the soap out of my hair and to think for a few seconds. "And she misses everyone also but I had to think of our needs as well."

"Of course."

I could see that there could be no further purpose to this conversation. I could not break my role to be more honest with Dawn and she could not break hers either. "What is for lunch?"

Dawn smiled, probably happy to be out of the pressure to discuss such a problematic topic. "Stuffed quail and D'Shel's sauce."

I playfully pushed her over into the water and pulled myself out onto the bank as I called, "Well then we should hurry back." We both laughed as we dressed and returned to the camp.

Lunch was wonderful and I realized how much I had missed those amazing sauces. I sat near my father and Melanie and we visited about social matters as well as the condition of both Estates. My father was extremely pleased with our progress at reformation although Melanie complained that I was too thin and questioned whether I worked too hard. She jokingly threatened sending Faith to keep me in line and I retorted that I would be happy to have Faith as well as Dawn for as long as they would come. "And I think that Stefan would be quite happy as well." I indicated the couple across the fire with a smile.

Melanie, of course, saw this as an opening for discussing what she saw as my rapidly dwindling social prospects. "There will be two unattached four-mark men at this wedding. Both are the sons of third generation magic users with bonding for the Ladyships of their Estates." She had taken my hand and was stroking it as she spoke as if attempting to influence me through a spell, which she could not do in the least. I allowed her to inform me of both suitors' pedigree before excusing myself to deliver a note from Dani to her mother. While I did not wish to be rude to my step-mother, I also was not willing to entertain the prospect of marriage no matter how well respected the man's family may be. The thought crossed my mind to tell her that I had no intention of marrying but perhaps I could drag each of them into a broom closet to seduce them and steal their magical heritage. My imagined line had much more vivid language and I smiled as I walked away, noting that my association with and education by Dani had certainly had an influence on my language.

The luncheon break was extended as we all entered two large tents erected for the purpose of dressing. Only when I glanced over while she was in her modest undergarments did I realize that Delia would not be able to take even the topical herbs servants are given during the joining ceremony. Our society values the life and health of any unborn child too much to attempt to drug it. T'dre and I would need to offer her the choice of accepting the marks with no herbs or to postpone her augmentation. While I had no idea who might be the father, I felt the greatest joy for her condition and noticed myself passing my palm over my own flat stomach. Someday...

Having completed her dress, Ursula approached to assist me with my presentation. Through correspondence it had been determined that each of our presentation would reflect our skills and responsibilities. Faith's was a very fine hunting outfit (quite so fine that no one would think of hunting in such a thing), Donnie wore military style dress much like my father, and I wore a very elaborate outfit demonstrating my work on the Estate as well as my position as Lady. Anne was dressed in white as she would be throughout the joining ceremony and her presentation was easily the most bejeweled of the group. Taken together we were quite a handsome and impressive group and the artist accompanying us worked quickly to complete the sketches he would use for painting a portrait after our return.

We amassed quickly into the column with myself at the head. I felt slightly uncomfortable riding in front of my father for the first time. We had not visited another Estate since my marks celebration so this was my first experience doing so. I glanced back at him and he smiled proudly at me. Beyond him I could see D'rek, Ursula, Donnie, and the rest of our contingent. I looked forward again, closed my eyes and pictured the portraits of my mother and grandmother. When I opened my eyes I felt more stately and I gave Dream the slightest nudge with my heels to start her moving toward the Finn Estate.

We reached the Estate gates after about 45 minutes riding and were greeted by the entire personnel of the land, save none. Lady Finn stood two feet or less within the gate with the rest of the assemblage appropriately arrayed behind her. Once I had dismounted, she greeted me with the names of three generations of my ancestry and I did the same. We then touched marks formally and exchanged kisses on the cheek (less formally). Each of us took one step to the right to greet the Lord of the other Estate and greetings continued from there forward. Anne and Riley completed their formal greeting with a very informal kiss to the raucous cheers of both houses.

I was escorted to my rooms by the Lady herself and ensconced by her mark-bound servant. Lady Finn enquired politely as to Dani's disposition but gave no indication of her disapproval of my choice. As my rooms were a suite, it was quite appropriate that Ursula and I should share it and we thanked Lady Finn for her thoughtfulness on this matter. The rest of the family were led to their rooms and our servants quickly joined those on the Finn grounds to prepare for the event.

My father and Melanie were across the hall from my rooms in a larger suite, accommodating Father, Melanie, D'elam, and D'rek. I felt unaccountably happy to note that my father and Melanie would be sharing rooms and, in fact, had done so in all expeditions I could remember. While they had separate chambers at home, having observed that they slept in the same room most nights, I assumed that separation was a matter of business rather than a social decision for them.

I remained with Ursula for a few moments as she began arranging our clothes and other belongings in the wardrobe. Then she shooed me out the door, quite as if I were a child even while she treated me with the respect of my station. I smiled and urged her to take a rest or walk on the grounds as I had heard grand tales of the Finn gardens.

Upon emerging from my rooms, I was greeted immediately by a high-ranking house servant who confirmed that the suite was to my liking and then offered to direct me to my destination. She suggested that I may wish to join the other magic users. This was, in fact, my wish and I praised her and asked her assistance in finding the group. While the Finn castle was no larger than our own, it was certainly no smaller either and I would need a short while to familiarize myself with the directions and contours. My dear love would no doubt have already created a blueprint in her mind and be guiding Finn servants in more expedient routes to the kitchen for cherry tarts.

I met with those magic practitioners who had arrived for the wedding to this point. T'Solde I had not seen and we shared a long hug before she, like Melanie, looked me up and down and admonished me for working too hard and eating too little. I took a seat between her and T'dre to discuss the demonstration to take place the following afternoon. Because the wedding would host so many non-magic users of magical heritage, it was determined that only Anne and Faith would draw the circle. The remainder of the meeting was quite exciting but its technical aspects would probably bore the average person so I will skip the details to report that we created a design that would spotlight the necessary magical aspects in their best appearance.

Once we had dispersed, T'dre and I took a walk in the gardens together and discussed the marking ritual. We had corresponded and my mentor had replied that I was certainly advanced enough in my study to partner in the application of the four marks. Encountering Dale by chance we asked him to bring Delia so that we could discuss the matter of her choice in the marking. Our congratulations were excitedly received and she agreed that it would be her preference to delay the taking of her marks until such a time as her child would be free from the herbs. She would accompany her Mistress to the tent but would not take the marks at this time although they would be drawn with pen for the presentation. Officially and magically her marks would not rise from three to four until they were complete but few three mark men would dare take advantage of that technicality (and I'm not sure that Delia would have been offended had they).

After Delia departed T'dre asked after Dani and I reported that she was needed at Maclay East. My beloved mentor took my hands in her own and lifted my chin with her fingertip. "Lady Maclay. Is there anything you wish to talk about?"

I felt shocked about the directness of her question but why should she not be direct? My rank was higher than hers but she was quite well respected and was my mentor, knowing me as well as any other, save D'ni, for the past eight summers. I remained silent for a few minutes before choosing my words carefully. "I do not wish to marry, well nor otherwise."

T'dre remained silent perhaps a long as I had done. "I, as well as any other perhaps, can understand that wish." She took a breath. "Your station would seem to demand some compromise on this point."

I rolled my eyes only a little. "As my step-mother and sister have reminded me in the past few hours, weeks, days, and lifetime."

T'dre returned a laugh at my comment. "You would allow your title to fall to Donnie's daughter when you must vacate it and your considerable magical power to go unused?"

"I did not say I did not wish an heir, only that I do not wish a husband."

"Perhaps you could pull one of the eligibles into a supply closet during the celebration." She winked at me as she spoke and I applauded at her suggestion.

"My exact thoughts!"

"This will certainly the most eligible group of Lords and Masters you could hope to encounter," Tadre complimented our ridiculous plan.

"Again as Melanie has reminded and reminded me."

I was not prepared for Tadre's next change of subject. "I had so hoped to see Dani. Your appearance and temperament is perfectly complimented by hers."

"I'm quite sorry that she was so needed at home," I lied. "She sends her best."

Tadre seemed to study me. "You are in better spirits when with her. It is fortunate that you will have her companionship and love always.

I could not stand it and looked away as if studying the grass beneath our boots intently. When I spoke my voice was breaking. "I always b-believed so."

Tadre continued tracing the lines of my mark with her fingertips. "I still believe it so, Lady Maclay. You are perfectly suited."

"A fact which could seem more to my advantage than hers," I whispered.

Tadre seemed about to speak but Lalla came round the corner and I pulled away from my mentor. Lalla bowed to me and then informed us that other guests were beginning to gather in preparation for dinner. We glanced at the sun simultaneously and I noted that time had apparently gotten away from us. I would need to dress for dinner quickly as would Tadre. "I enjoyed the visit, T'dre," I said as we started from the garden.

"As did I, Tara. If you should wish to continue our conversation, I am at your disposal."

I appreciated her sentiment but could hardly bring myself to reveal any more of my soul than I had already done. It was a moot point as we encountered Anne at the head of the hallway to my rooms. She was polite and respectful but pointed in asking if I needed any assistance to prepare to lead our Estate in to dinner. I thanked her equally politely for her offer but that Ursula was perfectly capable of helping me to dress. I felt grateful once again that I would return to Maclay East while she remained at the Finn Estate. Her behavior so far had been tolerable but far less respectful than I would have hoped. While I could see her injury in my choice to leave Dani at home, she was bordering on throwing a tantrum and that would not do. I resolved to drop a hint to Melanie this evening and she would surely correct Anne's behavior.

True to my word, I was prepared for our entrance a mere 15 minutes later and I led the Maclay Estate into the grand ballroom to the attention of over 300 guests. It was clear from the bows that we were held in highest esteem regardless of my dawdling and my lack of a bound servant to accompany me. We mingled a few minutes before being called to seats by Lady Finn. Father, Melanie, Anne, and myself took our places at the head table with Lady Finn, Lord Finn, Riley, and all our mark-bound servants. In my case, Ursula was of course seated to my right although I had excused her from all responsibilities until the time came to release me from this dress. While beautiful and elegant it had more fasteners than I knew could be contained by one garment and I felt as if it were pressing everything from my waist up. Of course, Melanie had supervised construction of the thing so she would have seen it as an advertisement to the eligible Masters. Creator, how tight would it have been if I ate as much as my step-mother seemed to wish? Speaking of eligible Masters, she glanced around the room somewhat forlornly as if wishing I were sitting at one of those tables. We were seated near each other at the table and she made sure to point out my two possibilities by the time my wine glass was filled.

Lord Finn sat on my other side and he gained my attention immediately. "I'm so sorry that D'ni could not make it. I hope she is well?"

Hope she is well? I'm sure he does. I thought but I swallowed the bile in my throat. How could he want to impose his wishes on my girl when she could not refuse him? It sent a shiver up my spine and I thanked the Creator that I had made Dani stay at home as I took a long sip from my wine glass. "She is quite well and wished to come but her considerable talents were needed at home."

"I'm sure," he nodded, raising his glass as well.

The food was delicious and I enjoyed the conversation (save that of husbands and heirs). At the conclusion of the meal, Lady Finn, myself, Lord Finn, and Father made extravagant speeches welcoming the guests, praising our hosts (each other in this case), and lauding the love between the marital couple. Again, I would claim to have done myself and my station proud with my speech and I saw a more than a few teary eyes throughout the room when I took my seat again with a long sip of my wine.

As it was not appropriate to have dancing the night before a wedding, the Finns had arranged for a traveling troupe of actors to deliver a performance in the grand ballroom. A stage was quickly constructed as guests milled about (a time during which Melanie seized the opportunity to introduce me to not one but two potential suitors).

How to describe the suitors? The first was a Master Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. His father was ailing and his mother I had met earlier - a Lady and 3rd generation magic user-- so his pedigree was quite everything that Melanie had promoted. The Wyndam-Pryce estate, was larger than Maclay Main but not as large as the two Maclay estates combined. His appearance was quite impressive and I could have no complaints on that account. As soon as Melanie departed on another errand, he enquired as to my fortunes on Maclay East. I began to discuss our reformations politely but he quickly cut me off to narrow his focus to ask after the library at our estate. He virtually salivated at the thought of so many books in one place and claimed to have wished to visit our library, based on tales only, more than any other goal in his life. More that any other goal? More than to marry well or hunt or raise his children? More than helping the people of his Estate? To visit the books in our library? He elaborated (greatly and repeatedly) over this book and that (all based on rumors) and taking my hand in his (a gesture I found impertinent and inappropriate) passionately pleaded his case to visit Maclay East (a request I found equally impertinent and inappropriate).

Rude as his deportment may have been, I was obligated to better it and did so, inviting him in sweeping terms to visit us and spend as long as he wished in our library.

If discussing the library caused sweat beads to break out on his forehead, the invitation seemed likely to undo him in total. He stumbled over his gratitude and excused himself, purportedly to refill his wine glass.

Spotting the break in my conversation, the second suitor was nearly dragged over by his mother (a beautiful woman of indeterminate age) Lady Darla Masterson. Dear Creator. Master Angel seemed to remove all sunlight and joy from his surroundings. He wore dark clothes and hulked above me but kept his eyes on my neck or feet throughout our short and dull exchange. He was, without a doubt, the most morose and broody man I've ever met. I wondered if allowing children to bounce balls off his high forehead would even gain his attention for he seemed possessed by a demon and unable to truly interact. When not fixating on my neck, he seemed fixated on Anne and muttered to himself as if I were not present. The interview was, in short, insulting and depressing and I excused myself as soon as I could do so politely. M'lissa, next to whom I sat during the performance, reported that he was notoriously in poor mood even though his Estate was famed for its economic success and although he was renowned as a hunter and dancer.

I sat through the performance thinking of these two suitors. Were they truly the best my station could offer? Perhaps it was just that I was so uninterested in being courted by them for they were, by my admission handsome, elegant, well educated, accomplished in hunting and riding, and from very good families. But to marry one of them? The thought of it and more importantly of Dani subject to their desires, was abhorrent to me. My girl should never have to defend herself from those advances. Her body was her own and must be her own and this determination grew stronger and stronger to me as I sat there. In fact, I became quite agitated as I pondered this offense and surreptitiously swallowed a draught of the herbs I had prepared with a sip of wine. The herbs worked blessedly quickly and effectively and I watched the remainder of the performance in a much more relaxed state.

I have described much which is indefensible in terms of my treatment and advantage over Dani. But as regards the application of these herbs, please understand that at no point would my judgment nor performance have been impaired. Their strength was no more than a glass or two of wine but the focus was directed solely at relaxing my anxiety and in this purpose, they stood me well.

The conclusion of the performance saw great applause for the troupe and more socialization. I was able to reconnect with many of my peers (in age if not rank) and enjoyed myself extensively. Anne was much more cordial to me, perhaps guided by her vision of myself purporting myself well at the event. Or perhaps her behavior had been witnessed and corrected by Melanie without my approaching my step-mother. In any case, she was polite and even friendly with me throughout the remainder of the evening.

I was not the last person to leave the ballroom but was far from the first as well. I spent little more time with Master Wyndam-Pryce and even less with Master Masterson. Each came over one time: Pryce to praise the library once again and repeat how much my invitation meant to him and Masterson to mumble questions regarding my hobbies (not the worst topic he could have chosen but I was no more interested in him than he in me). I reached my rooms and felt badly that I had to wake Ursula for her assistance in removing myself from my garment.

I feel almost immediately into what was, initially at least, a deep and untroubled sleep. Obviously I was tired from my ride and my social interactions and this allowed me some much needed rest. And rest I did.

For perhaps three or four hours. I woke in complete darkness and had to orient myself to these surroundings as I cast my hand out to find Dani sleeping next to me. But my hand fell on empty covers and I sat up and shook my head as I fuzzily remembered that she was not with me but at home. Immediately before my waking I had been having the most glorious dream which involved Dani quite intimately and it was hard now to settle myself that she was not present. I found that I could not stop shaking and wrapped my arms around my legs as I sat up in bed and began to rock. I've described the dream as glorious but I had a terrible feeling of foreboding concerning it. I knew that in the next instant it was going to turn terrible. Dani's face would change from that enraptured look I loved to the expression of horror I had seen in my head the last few days so forcefully. I don't know how I knew this but it was as clear as if she were sitting in my room and crying in my arms. I hurt for her and I hurt to be with her. Hours passed as I sat and rocked myself and attempted to meditate and to bring sleep's return. I even called on our magical bond to attempt to speak to her but it was no use over the distance.

My memories of the night pass into confusion as I can not tell whether I was awake or asleep. Eventually I dozed and dreamed my recurring nightmare and this time it was more violent than ever before. My girl cried and cried in pain and I could not stop hurting her over and over. I heard her voice and thought that I woke and heard her shouting that I must stop. That I had become a monster and she my play-thing. I started to the sound of her voice but found the room silent. I believed myself to be awake and then Ursula was shaking tapping my shoulder to gently bring me to the present.

"Lady Tara?"

"Dani? No, Ursula. Ursula?" I had trouble focusing on her face and grasped her upper arms, probably too hard, as I tried to understand what was happening.

Ursula took a few deep breaths, no doubt attempting to urge me to do the same. "Yes, it is Ursula, Lady Tara. You were dreaming?"

I closed my eyes hard and took a few deep breaths along with my guide. "I... yes... dreaming...." I looked around the room, still attempting to place myself. "This is the Finn Estate?" She nodded. "Dani is not with me?"

By now I had dropped my hands and she picked them up and stroked my mark. "Yes, Lady Tara. Anne is to be married today. Dani is not here. We could send a messenger and she would come?" I shook my head vigorously both to refuse the suggestion and to clear my thoughts. "Would you like me to send for Miss Faith?"

I considered this suggestion for only a moment. "No. Thank you, Ursula. I would like to meditate in the gardens. Could you get me some fruit and a roll while I dress?"

Ursula virtually leapt to her feet. "Of course. I shall return in five minutes." She was true to her word and handed me a small camp kit with a decanter of milk. I had already hastily dressed in my riding clothes and took the kit from her. Dressing had allowed me to brush the cobwebs from my mind but I still needed the opportunity to focus. I asked Ursula to accompany me so that she could return to fetch me when I needed to dress for the magical display. I ate as we walked and handed my temporary servant the kit and bottle, then found a suitable spot and arranged the time for Ursula's return.

My mind may have been a muddle and my heart on the verge of the greatest pain I had ever experienced but that would not mean that I would dare to disrespect my gifts. My day would include the largest magical display of my life as well as the most advanced marking ritual. I quickly fell into a deep mediation, tracing the origin and purity of my magic back sixteen generations before Ursula returned. I was again grateful that she who had been servant to my grandmother was available to serve me this short week. She took a seat opposite me and joined her breathing to mine before using it to pull me out of my mediation.

I opened my eyes refreshed and fully present to the day ahead and reached out to take the bottle of water Ursula extended toward me. "Thank you, Ursula. I do not know what I would do without you this week."

She helped me to my feet and assured me that the pleasure was hers. We reached my rooms quickly and without incident and I saw that she had drawn my bath before fetching me from the gardens. I undressed and pulled my underclothes from the drawers as she warmed up the water and then accepted her assistance to step into the tub. The bath was not nearly the enjoyable event that it always was with my girl but it did the job and I stepped quite glistening from the water not half an hour later. Ursula set my hair and headdress and assisted me into my dress. If I had thought the piece from last night elaborate, it was nothing compared to today's selection. This gown would proudly display my Ladyship's assets both economic and otherwise and I blushed as I caught a glance of myself in the glass. Dani's gown, for my step-mother had not believed that I would leave my girl at home, matched mine and I mourned the opportunity to see her thus attired.

Fortunately or unfortunately, pageantry for the magical display was not a priority so much as the invocation of the magic itself. Nonetheless, I encountered my father, Melanie, Donnie, Anne, and Faith at the head of the hallway and accepted their compliments on my appearance and blessings for my purity and power. Faith looked wonderful in her gown but Anne put us all to shame with a gown befitting the bride and one from an Estate such as ours. I hardly hesitated before taking a knee in front of her and bringing down my house with me. I stood and gathered her into my arms with tears in my eyes for truly, this display of magic would symbolize the beginning of her ceremony and my little sister would be Anne Maclay of three marks no longer but Anne Finn, four-marked Lady-to-be of the Finn Estate. Melanie leapt forward garnishing a handkerchief for both of our eyes, wanting not to mar our paint and we laughed at her concern. I led our family in prayer and then I allowed Anne to lead Faith and myself from the corridor and into the courtyard where we encountered the other magical practitioners-twenty-three as of this moment.

Introductions were made hastily of those who had arrived recently and compliments paid appropriately. Lady LeFleur had arrived late in the night as well as four other practitioners I had met only briefly. This being our third common event, I had a growing affection for the LeFleur Estate. While I knew little of their history, they seemed kind and generous people in spite of their loss of respect. Reports from servant to servant, of course reaching me through Dani were quite favorable as far as their conduct was concerned. Lord LeFleur seemed neither less nor particularly more interested in sharing marks-rights with various servants and Lady LeFleur's interests were very discrete as well. The events which had led to their low standing seemed unlikely in retrospect and yet, I could hardly judge a past I didn't know.

According to the agreements we had reached the day before, we took our places in the circle-Lady Finn and myself at the center and facing T'Solde with the rest of the circle progressing through a complex system of rating magical power and Estate renown. Lady Masterson sat two spaces from T'Solde with Lady Wyndam-Pryce next to her. Anne and Faith drew the circle and then stepped away as Lady Finn and I together initiated the demonstration. This ritual was both traditional, dating from before the first Lady Maclay had taken her marks, and progressive as it changed with each and every joining. We invoked the same spell which had been performed hundreds, even thousands of times-the same spell which had been cast at my mother's wedding and would be cast at my own if I allowed it. We then passed control to T'Solde who modified the spell in the most minute but discernable way before passing it to her neighbor. By the time it had reached myself again it was barely recognizable as that which I had handled so recently. I pride myself that I added some artistry and color as there was enough power already and then passed it to my host, Lady Finn, who completed the spell with the traditional conclusion.

In short, and it is quite too late for that I fear, the spell was gloriously successful and was seen by all as a harbinger of a successful joining. Anne and Faith broke the circle and we embraced to celebrate our magic. Two luncheons were provided: one for we who had been involved in the practice as well as associated servants and one for the remaining majority of guests. Ours was set up on tables nearby and we all moved there quickly to take the meal. I recognized the wine served as coming from Maclay East with a smile but drank little as I would need to perform specialized magic this afternoon. This private meal gave practitioners the opportunity to discuss our production and socialize in private. I suspected her intentions when T'Solde noticed an old friend at the other end of the table and offered her closer seat to Lady Wyndam-Pryce. By my easy admission she and Lady Masterson were quite gregarious, intelligent, and easy to converse with. Their Estates I could easily hold in high esteem and they seemed to promote the same without seeming propagandistic. My success in the display could be detected by noting the commitment each held to purporting her own superiority without seeming to compete with the other. In this way, I realized that I was being courted as much by the Ladies of these Estates as by their sons.

T'dre and I caught each other's eye and excused ourselves from the meal as early as we had finished and could respectfully do so. The joining was scheduled for two thirty to allow time to complete the marks before sunset. We took the opportunity to again meditate and I allowed her to lead us on a mental exploration of the marks. Ursula and Lalla stepped forward to hand us the scrolls when we asked and we discussed them thoroughly. We then embraced and circled around to approach the marks-tent from the side.

The wedding crowd had already gathered including Lord Finn, Master Riley, his brothers, my Father, and Donnie. T'dre took her place between Master Riley and my Father and I stood between her and Father while Lady Finn stepped forward to stand between Tadre and Master Riley. Tadre nodded her head and the band struck up the Wedding March. First down the aisle were Melanie and D'elam, then Faith and Dawn, then Delia and finally Anne. All were stunning in their custom-made gowns and there was no doubt that the Maclay Estate was the pride of the gathering. When Anne reached us, my Father took her hands and whispered to her for a few minutes. Then it was my turn and I took her hands in my own. I could no more explain the astronomy books Dani and Giles enjoying arguing about than recall my words to her. I know that I spoke of our family, Melanie and Father's love, and her beauty as well as her love for Riley and his for her. I gave her my blessing that she should bring heirs to her Ladyship and his Lordship quickly and healthily.

When I had finished Tadre took Anne and Riley's hands, matched their palms mark-to-mark, and conducted the ceremony, asking their commitment and love as well as respect for the ranks the other held and would hold. Father and I, Lady and Lord Finn added our enthusiastic approval of the union of our families and Tadre pronounced it so. The crowd applauded loudly as Riley and Anne shared a kiss which left no doubt as to his manli-manliness nor her beliefs in the same. When the applause had subsided somewhat, the immediate family offered our congratulations. T'dre and I were given our gold tokens and we led the married couple, Forrest, and Delia into the marking tent. Gael and Dante, the Finn healer, were on hand and the marrieds were quickly given their herbs. After sharing a prayer, we applied the marks to both Forrest and Delia (Delia's done with ink only of course and Forrest's supported by his Master) as we waited for the herbs to take full effect on the newly married couple.

As I've indicated before, the marks applied for a marriage are not nearly so elaborate as one's initial marks. Anne gained the fourth finger on her hand as well as the Finn marks on the back of her hand and Riley took an approximation of Maclay marks on the back of his hand. My work with Tadre was like returning to an old friend and we traded tasks seamlessly and wordlessly while humming our spell. We finished and shared a second prayer to The Creator and our gratitude that our magic had been successful. Then the healers applied more herbs, giving them to Forrest as well this time, and the couple stepped from the tent to extend their marks. The reception was wonderfully respectful and generous and Riley formally invited all attendees to dinner and dancing in the grand ballroom.

Tadre and I stayed a little longer in the tent. Ursula and Lalla had joined us shortly after Riley and Anne departed and they offered us water as we rested. By our judgment it had been a very successful marking ceremony and we wanted to take a few minutes to bask in our private glory. Tadre smiled at me. "Soon you will surpass your mentor in skill as well as power, Lady Tara."

I shook my head. "I do not think that will happen for many years." I kneeled at her feet and kissed each of her palms reverently. "You will be my mentor and superior as long as we both live." She could not argue with my respect but thanked me for it.

Given my station, the diners had waited for my arrival and I joined the party at the head table. My speech was first and I concentrated on toasting the couple and thanking our guests for attending. Lady Finn spoke next, expressing similar sentiments. Dinner was served and I able to relax while enjoying the meal for none of my suitors nor their mothers were seated at my table - only the Finn and Maclay elite. The wine was, again, from Maclay east and I indulged perhaps more than I should have but my commitments were few and I took advantage.

Father and Lord Finn broke the meal with the announcement that the dancing would begin in fifteen minutes and the guests moved to the adjacent ballroom for cake and other delectable treats while this room was being prepared for dancing. The large cauldron in the corner was filling with presents - coins and jewels - for the married couple quickly without it being noted who was dropping what riches into it. Shortly we returned to the grand ballroom and Riley and Anne took the floor for the first dance. They looked beautiful and elegant together. The next dance saw Father and Anne and I was somewhat shocked to find myself in Riley's arms. He was quite manly and it was as close as I hoped to come to proof of that fact but he was also a graceful dancer.

The night spun away from there. I danced with a non-stop stream of Lords and Masters, finding my hand holding wine glass after wine glass and enjoying lovely dark-chocolate truffles.

Every moment of it. Every moment made me think of Dani for I could not hear music, dance a step, nor taste a sweet treat without thinking of how much she would love this evening.

And yet, as my mind became more clouded with the wine and sugar, I began to have a realization. My conscious mind started to grasp what my subconscious had been screaming for days. Each dance brought the hand of some nobleman, Lord or Master, to my hip. I could feel the magic of that mark as it tried, unsuccessfully to work on my body. Yet, all around me, servants were falling prey to the magic of the marks. Lords left the ballroom with one servant and another and I could not detect that the women had any particular wish to do so before that hand had been placed on her hip. This would happen to Dani. Would have happened to Dani had I brought her.

She would be without defense against the magic.

I was dancing with Lord LeFleur and he was again asking after Dani, saying that he had so wished to rematch her at Chest, when my most shameful realization struck me like a bolt of light from the Creator.

She was not just without defense against the magic of the Lords. She was without defense against me. Against my wishes and desires. Against my passion for her.

"Are you ok, Lady Tara?" When I did not answer Lord LeFleur led me to the side of the floor and to a chair, waving Ursula over. "Perhaps she is overtired?" He handed me a glass of water but I found I could not take it from him. I could not focus on his face and his voice sounded quite far away. I attempted to gain control of myself even as I realized the depths of my perversion, of my using my girl. Even as I confronted the truth that I had taken her dignity, stolen her soul over and over. And she had tried to warn me, had tried to tell me what I was doing but I could not, would not, listen.

Only my years of training allowed me to speak in a level tone to my recent dance partner. "Thank you for the dance, Lord LeFleur. I think I am feeling tired from the day and will retire to my rooms."

"Of course, Lady Maclay." He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "Please give my best to Dani when you see her."

"Perhaps we should get you to bed, My Lady?" I nodded to Ursula and took her hand as we made our way from the crowded ballroom. My mind was filled with evidence after evidence of the ways I had violated Dani and I felt sick. I stepped from the garden path between some bushes and was sick to my stomach until I had lost everything I had eaten. "Oh Tara," Ursula said (only somewhat inappropriately), "something you've eaten hasn't agreed with you." She took my arm and led me to the exterior door of my hallway and into my rooms without our encountering another guest. I felt very grateful that she was so discreet and that we did not encounter Melanie for I hardly think I could have stood a lecture on wasting the time I should have been dancing with either of the two eligible men.

Once inside, Ursula quickly helped me to undress, washed my face, and handed me my toothbrush. She tucked me into bed and gave me a kiss on my forehead and asked if I needed anything further. I shook my head and waited for her to leave.

I could not wrap my mind around the horror of my actions. I sat there the entire night attempting to make sense of this realization. To understand how I could have abused my girl so horribly in the name of love. To have taken something that should be so sacred and beautiful and twisted it. In my mind I walked around and around this thing. Did Dani love me or was she being a faithful servant? Had I loved her or abused her? How could I know? What could I do to ease my actions? I cried hundreds, thousands, and more tears. By dawn I was simultaneously horrified with myself and clear that I could not carry this horror through the next day.

I would have to conduct myself with all the dignity required of my rank. I rose from the bed and drew myself a bath. I was so quiet that Ursula did not come into the room until I was preparing to get into the bath. She ensured that I was feeling better and offered me some kaffee which she had conveniently brought and which I accepted happily. I agreed that I must have eaten something which did not agree with me and that combined with my exhausting day and wine consumption had done me in. I assured her that I had had a restful night of sleep and thanked her for her assistance in getting me into bed safely and warmly.

The remainder of the day was spent socializing and attending political meetings-frequently the two intentions were combined. While I found myself having to take deep breaths and consuming a volume of kaffee that would have put even Dani's consumption to shame, I represented my Estate quite adequately. At the meals I was sociable and gregarious and after dinner I received explicit and specific invitations to visit the Wyndam-Pryce and Masterson Estates at my convenience and for as long as I chose. I responded to both invitations in such a way that I made my appreciation for the offer obvious without indicating a date for those visits.

After dinner entertainment was a loose social milieu in which some guests merely visited while others played games of chance or skill in one of the three ballrooms. Anne and Riley put in a long appearance and seemed to divide the room equally to ensure that each socialized with all the important families. My sister was quite glowing and seemed to have even forgotten the slight she believed I had paid her union by leaving Dani at home. It seemed that my magical display as well as marks artistry had been seen as very powerful and precise and my episode at dinner the night before, rather than bringing any shame to the family, had shown that I was willing to give all I had for my art and responsibilities. I had awoken this morning much the lower in my soul and heart but much higher in the eyes of all present. Had I a dance card, it would have been filled with Melanie attempting to scribble on the very edges. Having left the reception early the night before I was virtually required to stay extra long this night and I did. The added benefit was that by the time I reached my bed I knew I would be too exhausted to stay awake even to contemplate my own folly.

And sleep I did, taking another draught of my herbs before lying down and one when I woke in the night. My sleep was filled with dreams and nightmares but they blended together in such a way that they did not wake me so much as make me feel a sense of shame and dread. I could not deny the pain of my actions but I understood that I would have to deal with them.

It was not until I awoke that I stumbled upon the suspicion that Dani could be gone from the Estate when I returned. I had never been gone so long nor so far from her and what if the magic did not work at this distance? What if she convinced herself that her leaving was what I truly wanted? Would she be able to leave? If I could leave for the wedding, perhaps she could believe that I intended her to be gone when I returned? I spent a few minutes truly panicked over this possibility, then relieved that I would not have to face my own shame upon my return, then realized that my suspicions were the product of my paranoia and guilt. Of course she would not have left Maclay East. She would have stayed there and done a superb job of running the Estate in my absence just as she had always done everything she believed I wanted. Everything I had wanted.

I rose and dressed in my traveling clothes to join my family at breakfast. The Finns had provided several dining rooms with multiple tables in each to allow Estates the opportunity to discuss any necessary business before departing today. Anne and Riley joined us for breakfast and it was a busy but jovial affair. Melanie seemed sad that we children would be heading in four different directions today. Donnie was returning with M'lissa to her Estate and then on a horse-buying expedition. It was expected that he would not return to our home until late Spring or even Summer. Anne and Riley were departing next week for a three-week wedding trip, then returning to the Finn Estate before visiting Maclay Main in a few months. Faith would be returning with Melanie and Father while Stefan, Jonah, and myself would of course be returning to Maclay East. I was quite effusive in my invitations to any and all to come and visit for as long as they could or wished.

My Father's group would be leaving directly after breakfast and we would leave within a few hours. Per custom, I would meet with Lord and Lady Finn once more to ensure that our contributions to the wedding had been sufficient and settle any outstanding accounts.

Maclay Main departed shortly thereafter to many tears from myself and my companions as well as our family and loved ones. Estate after Estate departed and I noted the number of Lords and Ladies who sought my Father, Melanie, or myself to give best wishes before departure. We, of course, did the same. The LeFleurs again asked that I pass their thoughts to Dani and it was clear that they had genuinely missed the chance to see her once again while Masters Wyndam-Pryce and Masterson both appeared dressed in their finest regalia with the obvious intention of leaving me the best possible impression. In truth, both gentlemen were quite handsome and accomplished. Were I interested in a husband in even a little, either of them should have made an adequate choice.

My meetings with the Finns went gloriously well. The wedding had been a complete and utter success and had raised the estimations of both the Maclay and Finn Estates. Two of Lady Finn's nieces had received formal intents to propose over the course of the celebration and similar contracts had been initiated for many families. Our accounts stood in good standing with the Finns and I arranged transfer of an additional 10 sheep and goats at the conclusion of the summer from Maclay Main. Lord Finn excused himself near the end of the meeting and Lady Finn enquired as to my meetings, particularly promoting Master Wyndam-Pryce who was a grand cousin of her sister's husband. I praised Master Wesley's skills and personality while insisting that I had much greater work to complete at Maclay East before I could concentrate on my social life. Given our relative stations, she could not possibly challenge the idiocy of my response and wished me great speed in accomplishing the reformations at my home.

I accepted her good wishes in the manner in which they had been given and we embraced before breaking the meeting. The wedding had been a challenging event to coordinate but working with Lady Finn had allowed me the opportunity to learn a great deal about putting on such an event and I thanked her for her example. I could believe I had formed a friendship by the time I departed immediately after lunch.

Compared to the elegance and formality of the celebration, our departure was anti-climactic. We were seen to the gate by Anne, Riley, Lord Finn, Lady Finn, and Stefan's father (also Master Finn). Before breaking our embrace I handed Anne the locket which had belonged to our grandmother and which contained minute drawings I had completed last month of her and Riley's likenesses. I knew that my sister had long loved that locket and the tears in her eyes when she realized what I had given her were all the reward I desired for such a gift.

And then we were off on our journey home. We hoped to camp tonight near the Dreint river and reach Maclay East before dinner time the following night. Given our horses, the smallness of our party, and our skill at riding our estimation was quite reasonable. I rode in the lead for perhaps an hour before inviting Stefan to take a turn. He rode so for a shorter length of time and then we all drifted into a loose group three-abreast.

Our riding formation was quite relaxed and it allowed or perhaps forced me to reconsider the realizations of my past few days. I felt horror, shame, and guilt over my treatment of Dani. While my intentions had been nothing but loving (or so I wanted to believe), the outcome had been the same. I had taken advantage of her body and never known or asked what she desired. She had subjugated herself to my wishes, in her words "giving up her soul over and over." I could not even begin to imagine her pain but I began to force myself to do just that. My riding companions left me in silence, breaking the peace only to comment on passing wildlife or vegetation or to excuse themselves for calls of nature.

And so my heart and soul suffered as we rode. I knew that I must take action. I must first off, stop my abuse of Dani. Whether I could gain her forgiveness would have to be secondary to the fact that I must stop treating her in that way. And I admit I wondered whether we could ever have a true relationship. This was the depth of my obsession with her: in the midst of admitting to myself how wrong my actions had been, in the midst of casting about for away to gain her forgiveness, I still craved her. I still loved her, wanted her with every fiber of my being in spite of my mind telling me that no relationship with her would ever be possible.

We had been riding perhaps two and a half hours when I faced the truth of what I must do. It would not guarantee a life with Dani but she would be free from unwanted advances from not only five-marked noble men but from her own Mistress. I halted my horse and informed Stefan and Jonah that I would require a few minute break. I wrote my message quickly but clearly and called Stefan over.

"Master Stefan. I need you to handle an issue for me." He nodded and I handed him the scroll. "Please deliver this to T'dre whom you may be able to catch up to on the Maclay Main expedition. Othewise, deliver it to her at her home and return to Turbren to the Lion's Head Inn as her escort. I expect your discretion in this task."

Stefan bowed in his saddle and accepted the scroll. "Of course, Lady Maclay." He looked back and forth between his servant and myself. "I must suggest, however, that Jonah remain with you."

I attempted to protest but he insisted that he could travel more quickly alone and that he would never be forgiven for allowing me to ride alone. I could see the wisdom of his suggestion but chose to tease him that I felt my magic power and hunting prowess should protect me. He realized my joke and laughed before embracing me to wish me a safe journey. I did the same and he turned and spurred his horse to a gallop.

Jonah and I watched him leave before continuing on our journey home. The remainder of the journey was uneventful. Jonah was a quiet companion for I had realized over the past few years that it wasn't that he lacked mental acuity as Dani had observed but that he was extremely shy and quiet. His silence left me with my thoughts and our late stop, hunt, and meal did nothing to slow them. I took the last of my herbs to assist myself in my sleep and was again left free of the nightmares of the week. I comforted myself that my solution, while it would take Dani from me perhaps forever, would free her from my cruelty and the whims of others of my rank.

We arose early and broke camp before dawn, traveling quickly and quietly and stopping only for a quick lunch and necessities. Given the time of year, the dusk was falling when as we neared our Estate and I admit I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that Jonah was the first to note the dust being kicked up behind a rider approaching us very quickly.

"I believe that's Dani," he concluded as he pointed toward the billowing dust. Even given my current state, I could not help but smile at the thought of my girl again close to me. Nothing would ever be the same again but I would at least see my girl in a minute. "I ... um... I think Master Stefan wanted me to check on the herd in Ribot pasture, Lady Tara?"

Still watching Dani's approach with excitement I nodded toward his offer. "Yes, Jonah. Thank you for sharing the journey with me." He rode off and I was left waiting for my girl to reach me which she did within the minute.

She was beaming as she approached and she reined Hope to a stop next to me, leaning across to stroke my face with the palm of her hand. "I don't know where your companions are, My Lady, but I am grateful to them for their absence." And then her lips were upon mine and her arms were around me and she had pulled herself from her horse to mine and I realized this is going to be much harder than I planned.