Author: JustSkipIt
Rating: R to NC-17
Feedback: Please leave feedback on the Waiting for Dani thread on the Kitten Board.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own Willow and Tara and the Buffyverse. I'm not saying this universe is totally original but I didn't steal it from any author or creator that I know of. No copyright infringement is meant by this fic and I will not make any money from it.
Distribution: Kitten Board, Through the Looking Glass, Mystic Muse. Everyone else, send me a note.

Additional and permanent disclaimer: Yadda yadda. Yadda Yadda. Not comfortable. Power imbalance. Etc.

My ill-formed plan was put to the test that very night, for Dani had been trained so very well. She was aware, for how could she not be, of my feelings for her and she had been returning these feelings in serving her Mistress for years. When I pulled away from our embrace she only released me for a moment before hugging me tightly and repeating over and over how much she had missed me, how worried she had been for me, how she had been counting the days until my return. Tears glistened in her eyes as well as mine but I do not think their cause was the same.

She kissed me three more times quickly on the lips before leaping onto Hope’s back and then circling me a few times astride her mount. She was verily singing her required joy at my return. Then she began to tease me about presents, asking had I brought her anything and was it bigger than the breadbox in the kitchen. As always, I answered that it was not bigger than a breadbox and she asked if it was smaller than a breadbox and I said that it was not. Again, as always she asked if it was a breadbox and I agreed that it was. She leaned over to kiss me once more and then patted Dream on the rear to get him moving, saying that we needed to get home for the "surprise celebratory" dinner on our return.

I kicked my heels get my horse moving more quickly and took position just in front of Dani as we rode the last few hundred yards to the Estate, feeling very conflicting emotions. On one hand, my girl was right here with me and seemed excited and quite affectionate to have me home. She chattered about the issues she had encountered but interspersed many times how happy she was to have me home, even going so far as to admonish me for leaving her. Only the intimacy of our relationship would have allowed this admonition to pass a servant’s lips and, ironically, it was this very intimacy which made my return so terrible. She would be so much better off free from my control a few short days from now.

We entered the gate to encounter Giles and Fredrek who addressed me formally before welcoming me home less formally. I explained that Stefan I had engaged in another task and that Jonah had gone to check the herd, which they reported having noted some minutes earlier.

"We thought perhaps to see Miss Faith."

I nodded as we rode toward the stables. "And it is not for lack of my urging her here that she returned to Maclay Main."

William ran up to us and took the reins of both Hope and Dreams as he clumsily bowed. "Anne was pretty?"

I dismounted and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek, assuring him that she had sent it especially for him and hoping to myself that he would not refuse to wash the skin for too long.

Dani dismounted as well and moved her mouth close to my ear as she did so. "You are very sweet, my Lady, and not just in taste. I hope to reward you your kindness later this evening." She had a twinkle in her eye as she turned back toward our oblivious companions and I could not help feeling elated for a moment before the return of my shame and guilt was upon me. This was what she felt was required. What she knew was expected. This feeding of my ego and secret intimations and so much more were what I had taught her to provide. How very terrible a Mistress I had been for so long.

Giles and Fredrek dismounted as well and each grabbed one of my saddle bags. "Please be careful with that one, Fredrek, and take it directly to the dining room." I announced my intention to wash up before dinner and only my invention of a need for her to check on Jonah kept Dani from accompanying me to my rooms. She looked at me oddly but pulled herself back astride Hope and rode away with a quick bow. The others walked me to the outer doors of the building and then we parted ways in the hall.

In my rooms, I quickly washed myself in the basin and changed from my riding clothes into dining presentation. I despaired over the possibility that Dani would arrive while I was still in this private setting and wish to continue our intimate charade. Given this fear, I redoubled my efforts to dress quickly, tossing my riding clothes into a corner behind a chair, and pulling my hair back with a leather tie I found on her dressing tray. I managed to emerge from my rooms just in the nick of time, reaching the bottom of the stairs as she came in the outer door of our hallway. She met me and asked if I would not like to return to our rooms while she changed for dinner. I replied that I wanted to greet the others and would see her in a few minutes in the dining room. She furrowed her brow somewhat but quickly agreed to my agenda.

I advanced to the dining room and greeted the others of my Estate, all of whom bowed formally to me before welcoming me home. We had long ago dispensed of dividing our meals by station, partially because doing so frequently resulted in family meal for five (six if Giles joined us) and a servant meal for seventeen. Rather, we served meals at regular and predictable intervals and any who were present were welcome to share in the meal. We, of course, observed the formalities of rank in determining placement but all present were welcome to eat together. Tonight the table was verily overflowing as everyone wanted to hear my tales of the wedding.

I had brought my sketch pad as well as a few drawings from the hired artist and passed these around with great narration. Throughout the dinner and for a few hours following, I described every detail I could of the wedding: the bride’s dress as well as other attendees, Riley’s presentation, the marks, the food, the dancing. Jonah leapt in to augment my tales when appropriate and the group listened with rapt attention if I do say so myself. Finally I reached for my saddle bag and began to present the items I had procured for my people. I pride myself that I had gotten something from a rare sweet for Briena to two books for Giles for every soul at the table. Dani, I presented with quite a beautiful scarf at dinner although I had brought her an additional item as well. Finally, the house girls stood with a yawn and began to clear the plates as I thanked them for a delicious meal and repeated my gratitude that I was home again.

Giles and I remained at the table only long enough to agree to discuss the details of the estate in the next few days. He had wanted to discuss them the next day but I allowed that tomorrow would surely be an unusually busy day and perhaps we could discuss the details later in the week. I noticed Dani casting a strange glance my way but she would never contradict me in public.

I was yawning when I reached my rooms, the door pulled open in front of me as a hand reached out to grasp mine and pull me inside. I had no time to protest before I felt myself pressed against the door and a soft but oh so strong body was pressed against mine. Dani’s hands were behind my neck and her mouth was on mine and it felt oh so good after this time away. The strength and determination it took me to pull away, rather to push Dani away from me was greater than I can describe for I wanted so badly to take that comfort, to feel her mouth and skin against mine once more. But it would not be once more. It would have been once and then twice and then again and I would send T’dre away, inventing some excuse for her impromptu summary. For I knew that if I lacked the commitment to pull away tonight, with the horror of my actions so fresh in my soul I would never change it. I would always hold and possess and abuse my love and she would never be free of my wants and desires.

"Please, Dani. I am so tired. I wish only to sleep tonight."

My girl was nothing if not persistent. "Sleep of course, Tara." Her hands were at the front of my shirt, gently untying the cord she found there. "I think we can accomplish that so very much better from the bed, don’t you?" The last was whispered against my ear as her tongue traced the very contours.

How to stop her? I would not be cruel and I could not use the excuse of my bleeding for she knew my schedule as well as her own and would see that for its lie instantly. "Please." I managed to free myself from my pinning against the wall. "Tomorrow, my love." I cringed as I heard the words issue from my mouth but I there was truly nothing else for it.

Her mouth curled up in a smile at the edges, her vixen smile we always called it and she again whispered in my ear. "If you are so tired, perhaps you would like to lie down and I will make sure you don’t have to do anything." Her practiced hands had my shirt open all down the front in spite of my attempts to pull away and they moved to the tie on my trousers. She dropped to her knees and began to place soft kisses on my stomach as she spoke. "Yes, a nice rest for you."

It took so much strength of character, something I had displayed so little in the past years, to grasp her wrists and pull her to her feet. "I m-must sleep, Dani." I turned my face from her but she saw the tears pooled in my eyes.

I had released her wrists and her palm cupped my cheek. "What is wrong, Tara?" When I didn’t answer her voice began to shake. "Tara? My Lady? Did I do something?"

"I ... please." I shook as I turned from her and wrapped my arms around myself. "You did nothing wrong, Dani." I turned back and saw the look of anguish on her face. Of course she looked like this. She was only attempting to serve her Mistress and I was rejecting her actions. I leaned forward to place a kiss on her cheek which did nothing to make her feel better.

She cupped her own cheek, tracing the path of my lips, as she shook her head. "Yes, let me get you to bed, My Lady." Her voice shook as a whisper and I could barely hear her.

I bit down on my lip, so strong was the drive to pull her into my embrace but I was resolute, finally realizing an excuse for distancing myself. "I brought you a much finer gift." I turned from her and quickly grasped a sleeping gown from the top of the armoire, surely offending her once again as I did not allow her to hand me the garment. I pulled it over my head as I dug in my saddlebag for the wrapped package within. I wordlessly extended the box. She took it and I was left free to pull off my trousers and slip beneath the covers while her hands were occupied.

She approached the bed and sat on the edge, eyeing me suspiciously before pulling the ribbon from the box, then gave a little cry as she opened the box. Within lay a beautifully ornate dagger. She had mentioned wanting to carry a smaller weapon than her sword on trips to our villages and I had been determined that she could not do so until she possessed something that would display her wealth and standing adequately. I had commissioned the crafting of this instrument nearly six months earlier and it had been brought by Donnie to the wedding. Its worth was perhaps three or four fine horses and this value would be clear to Dani.

She pulled it from the box and twirled it in her hand for a moment, watching the light dance red, blue, and green from the hilt. "This gift is so beautiful and fine as to be hardly reasonable, My Lady." She smirked again. "And you won’t even allow me to show my appreciation tonight." She turned and threw the knife, lodging it into the thick doorpost with a smile.

I felt ill to my stomach at her words. Were her actions not only performed in service of our bond but intended as payment for my gifts over the years? I gave her the necklace the night of our marking celebration and that had been the first time we... Oh Creator. I closed my eyes and swallowed heavily, this time leaning back against the pillows and placing my hand over my eyes.

I felt Dani stand up from the bed then and move toward the basin. Then she had returned and was pressing a cold compress against my forehead. "Perhaps this will make you feel better, Tara." I put the cloth over my eyes and heard her stepping away again. Moments later I heard her rummaging in her armoire and shuffling sounds as if she were pulling on a sleeping gown. This in itself was an indicator of the strangeness of the situation as she rarely slept in clothing, enjoying the feel of my skin and the sheets against her own.

Then I felt her weight on the bed but she lay still and distant, apparently unwilling to attempt to touch me again. Perhaps she felt that I must reach out for her, something I could not will myself to do despite my desperate wish to feel her skin on mine and her heartbeat against my chest. My arms shook with the effort involved in resisting reaching out for her this one last time. I took three deep breaths to still my movement and then felt the bed still shaking, for my love was crying quietly next to me. So this was what I had brought her to.

"Tara?"

"Y-yes."

"Did, did I do something to offend you? Was I ... was I too forward?" Her voice shook in no more than a whisper.

I opened my eyes to see tears spilling from her eyes and gently wrapped our fingers together. I could not take advantage of my girl but I could not bear her pain either. "Never, Dani. Never have you offended me."

Her eyebrows seemed to fold down toward her eyes and she bit her lip as she fought to speak. "D-d-did you ... did you meet someone at the wedding? A... Lord of your rank or..." I waited wondering whom else I could have met. "Did you meet someone else? A L-l-lady who might make a better... a more ap..ap..appropriate..."

Oh Creator. My heart was breaking as I gathered her in my arms. "Never, my girl. The only meeting I have ever had that meant anything to my heart was the day you were born."

I began to rock her and rock her as she cried, obviously confused over my bizarre behavior this night. She continued crying and I could hear her muttering what could she have done and how she loved me. Finally she drifted into sleep and I followed shortly thereafter.

Those damn boots on the stairs startle me for I thought even Merie had gone to sleep. I must order her house shoes for she sounds like a bear roaming the house and stairs.

We woke in the morning, somewhat embarrassed at the condition of our red-rimmed eyes and I rolled away from Dani immediately as if afraid I would be burned if I touched her again. She turned away and I heard her sniffle.

"After breakfast, I need you to go into the village with me."

She turned back and studied me for a moment. "Of course, My Lady."