April 7
Mood: Tired
Music: "Anything but Ordinary" - Avril Lavigne
Okay, I've called in sick to the diner this morning. That discussion with Kate last night went on for a while, so between that and putting off sleep to write in my journal I'm feeling a little bagged today. I had a few calls on my "radioactive spinach" ad, but nothing that sounds promising. So for now, let's get back to me and Kate...
Damn, this is harder to write down than I thought. Excuse me a minute - I need a coffee, perhaps with some Bailey's in it, and I'll try this again.
Okay. So, after our meeting on the roof, I follow Kate back to a waiting motorbike and ride behind her all the way back to the Kane mansion. She parks at the back and I follow her in, wondering why there's not a light on in the place. As if she's reading my mind, she looks over her shoulder at me. "Parents are out of town. No sense spending the power if I don't need to. Global warming and such."
"Sure," I agree feebly. She leads me to the...um...okay, I don't actually know what the room's called. It looks like a living room, but I'm sure the uber-rich have some fancy name for it. She gestures to one end of the couch, and I take a seat as she pulls her cowl off and sits at the other.
"So," I begin with a falsely jovial tone, "you're Batwoman." She pierces me with a look.
"Don't play games with me, Jessie. This isn't a joking matter." Her look softens. "Why didn't you tell me? I waited and waited, thinking eventually maybe you'd trust me enough..."
"You knew?"
"Of course I knew," the corner of her mouth tilts upward into a smile. "How dense did you think I was, sweetie?"
"Don't," my voice is strained. "Don't call me that. You haven't been my mother long enough to call me that." I try to stop the words before they're out of my mouth, but I can't help but ask, "You and mom were TRYING to have a baby - she'd already been implanted when you left! How could you never once, in eighteen years, call and check on her? Ask her how it turned out?" I'm standing now, finally giving voice to some of the rage I've carried with me for so long. "How could you just walk out of our lives that way? For the sake of the mask, the costume? Was it so much more important?"
"It wasn't like that."
"Then explain to me what it was like! Explain why you left us alone!"
"Please sit down." The request is quiet but firm, and after a few deep breaths I manage to do so.
"I'll explain it all to you as best I can. I'd like to grab a drink of water first, though - could I get you some?" Her calm rationality is starting to wear down my anger, and I just nod. She's gone and back again in a moment carrying two bottles of water and a tin of chocolates. She looks apologetically at me. "Sorry - I get hungry after patrol." She has a chocolate and a drink, and leans back heavily against the couch.
"I need to know what Renee told you before I start - it'll make things easier to explain."
"Not much. The two of you were trying to have a baby, she quit being a superhero and asked you to do the same, and you wouldn't. You fought, you left, the end."
"That's...well, that's not exactly how it went." I cock an eyebrow. "Okay, it's partially true, but it's a gross oversimplification. You were our third try at having a baby, did you know that?"
"No."
"Renee retired from the superhero gig after the first try. She..." Kate runs a hand through her hair. "There was a fight - just her and a couple of purse-snatchers, but she took a couple of punches. She...miscarried that night. The doctors told her it wasn't anything she'd done, but she never stopped blaming herself. She'd decided to stop being The Question before she'd even been discharged from the hospital."
"Is that when she asked you to quit?"
"No - actually, that wasn't even discussed. A few months after the miscarriage, we went back to the lab and had the procedure done again."
"This was at Cadmus?" Kate looks taken aback.
"Yes...how did you..."
"Doesn't matter. Keep going, please."
She has another chocolate, and uses the pause while she chews and swallows to formulate her thoughts. "It was going better, we thought. Renee stayed home, doing the housewife thing, and she was nearly two months along."
"What happened?"
"To be absolutely honest with you, Jessie, I don't know. I came home from patrol one night and found her huddled in a corner, and there was blood...well, you don't need the details. She swore up and down that it was spontaneous, but the topic of my retiring came up very quickly after that. As soon as it was viable again, she went back to Cadmus - by herself, mind you - and she was implanted for a third time. I got home that night and she tore into me - just lit me up. Screaming at me that everything that had happened was my fault. That if I didn't swear, on the spot, that I was done being Batwoman, that I could leave and never come back. I tried to talk to her, to find out what was going on in her head, but she just kept demanding that I swear on our child's life that I would stop." Quickly swiping a hand across her eyes, she looks earnestly at me.
"I was so tired that night - losing our first two attempts at a child, coupled with a rather spirited group of super-powered bad guys I'd fought a running battle with, on top of other things - and I snapped. It's unforgivable, but that's what happened. I told her that what I did was important, and that I wasn't going to quit just because her hormones were out of balance." I wince, and Kate reaches tentatively across the expanse of the couch for my hand. I take it after a moment's hesitation, and she looks down at our joined hands as if they're a sort of symbol. "You can probably guess how that went over. Three days later she'd moved to Keystone, and she never took another call from me. I made some discreet inquiries about her pregnancy through friends and colleagues, but she sort of dropped off the map."
"I just...I'm sorry. I can explain and rationalise until the end of time, Jessie, but I think what I most need to say is that I am so sorry. I'm sorry that I left, and I am even sorrier that I missed you growing into such a lovely young woman. There's so much of your mother in you." She trails off, staring out a picture window into the black night. "But that's part of the reason we're sitting here, isn't it?"
"Wait," I flash a palm at her, blinking back tears. "Please, just...can you tell me - when did you know who I was?"
"The first time I saw you," she whispers. "You look like your mother - but that little bend in your nose, and those flecks of gold in your eyes, they're passed down from my mother. I just didn't want to say - I didn't think I had any right..."
I can't hold my composure any longer, and I nearly fly across the couch into her arms. She cradles me to her, whispering in my ear. I don't catch much of it, and I think most of what she's saying is for her more than it is for me anyway. I just revel in the feeling, the warmth of her touch and the sound of her voice. After a time, she relaxes her grip. I pull away a little and she kisses me softly on the cheek. "Are you hungry?" she asks.
I ponder the question for a moment before my growling stomach answers it for me. "I'm starved."
"What could I get for you, sw-" she cuts herself off, looking nervously at me.
"It's okay," I whisper.
"What could I get for you, sweetie?"
"I think a big bowl of ice cream would go down really well."
"I'll check the freezer. It'll just take a sec - I want to change while I'm out there. Don't go anywhere, okay?"
"Not a chance." She smiles and disappears into the kitchen, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Everything I knew had changed in such a short time. How could Renee have let me believe that Kate had abandoned us? What had made her so angry that night? What happened to the second...and why, in eighteen years, hadn't she been able to swallow her pride and her anger and call Kate? None of it made any sense to me, and with Renee not speaking to me either, it didn't seem likely I'd get an answer anytime soon. I stare out the picture window, lost in thought, until the sound of bare feet on hardwood brings me back to myself. Kate gives me a beaming smile and extended a bowl filled with rocky road. The red terry robe she wears over flannel pyjamas looks very comfortable, and I find myself yawning.
"Do you need to rest, Jessie?"
"No - I'm good, thank you." I take the bowl from her and tuck in, even as she picks at her own bowl of mint chocolate chip.
"So...we still need to talk. Your ‘spiritual journey' to Tibet - you went to Nanda Parbat, didn't you?"
I swallow some ice cream around a sudden lump in my throat. There's no point in lying - if she's asking, then she already knows the answer. "Yes."
"Damn it," she breathes. "There really is too much of your mother in you. I guess it'd be out of the question for me to ask you to stop doing what you're doing?"
"Yes, I...I need to do this."
"Does Renee know...have you talked to her yet?"
"No - she...doesn't want to talk to me."
"Still won't take your calls?"
"No - I guess you know how that is." She grins in spite of herself.
"Yeah, I do. Please keep trying, though - I can't imagine that she wants to lose you, and I know she'd never want to feel she's missed your whole life the way I have. In the meantime, if you're determined to keep this up, you need to learn to pick your battles a bit better. I know why you were marching into Bloodrain territory today, but that's not a fight you're going to survive, no matter how well they trained you at Nanda."
"But they-"
"I know. I know what they did. But you can't win this. Not by marching into their territory and beating up the first guy you see. It'll take more than that."
"Do you have a suggestion?"
"You need to become one of them."
I nearly choke on a piece of marshmallow. "You're not going to warn me off, tell me that I should leave it to people with experience?"
"No. You're twenty years old, Jessie, and as you so rightly pointed out I'm in no position to tell you what to do or not to do. But, if this is the path you're choosing, I'd like to be able to offer you advice. Do you think you could take it from me?"
I look at her long enough to determine she's completely serious. "Yes."
"Good. You need to infiltrate them, Jessie, if you're ever going to find out which one of them shot your friend. But I don't want you stuck in there alone if something goes wrong, and I have enough on my plate right now that I don't think I could keep an eye on you myself." She has a bite of her ice cream. "I'd like to put you in touch with an associate of mine, someone who could keep in touch with you while you're out of contact with me."
The sinking feeling in my stomach has nothing to do with the ice cream. "What's this associate's name?"
"She calls herself Oracle."
Of course. Of - fucking - course that's how this would play out. "Okay. How do you think I could get in with them?"
"That's an easy one - Batman and I have a tried-and-true method for that sort of thing. It does involve you taking some punches, though."
"Not a problem."
"Good - after you brought up Stephanie today, I think he'll really want to hit you on general principle." She laughs, and I can't help but join in.
The rest of the night was spent talking logistics. Apparently she's going to get some communications equipment from Oracle tonight and hook me up, and then we'll put our plan in motion.
I am so glad to know her - I can't imagine how much I would have regretted it if I never had.
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