Author: ophelia11
Rating: PG-13 for pottymouths and innuendo. Strong chance for naughtiness later on.
Disclaimer: The story is mine. The characters are not. :(
Feedback: Pretty please? Please leave feedback on the Impulse thread on the Kitten Board.

but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall - Fear, Sarah McLachlan

In her mind, Tara was drifting warm and content. She floated along an endless expanse of water, sunlight radiating on her skin. Time was fluid here so she continued her journey without destination, eyes closed. The breeze tickled her cheeks, hot and moist. Her brow furrowed when she noticed the peculiar sound of this particular breeze, unlike anything she ever heard. It was as if the wind were grumbling faintly with each gust.

Her eyes remained closed, even when she moved to sit up. An invisible force was holding her immobile and the breeze grew louder and more unforgiving. For a few moments, she lingered in this in-between place before awareness crept in at the corners of her mind. She found that the warmth of her dream was still with her after she awoke. When she finally opened her eyes she also discovered the source of the unusual breeze. Wrapped snugly around her body was Willow, whose faint snore continued to tickle her chin and neck.

Tara smiled guiltily at the unexpected pleasure of Willow pressed tightly against her. As quickly as the enjoyment arose, it faded when a wave of anxiety rolled through her. What if she freaks when she wakes up? Not like she curls up with a lot of girls. Deciding it best to awaken the redhead, she gently gripped her arm and rocked her. "Will?"

Willow grumbled and tightened her hold around Tara's waist causing the blonde to stifle a groan. "No wanna," she whined.

Tara giggled. If circumstances were different, she would have gladly laid there long after her extremities lost all circulation. Still, the situation was what it was and she needed to wake Willow before the edges of sleepiness that still lingered caused her to make a bad decision. "Willow, you need to wake up."

This time the words broke through the haze and Willow shifted as she woke. A tiny grin was on her face. She thoroughly enjoyed waking in Tara's arms and regretted that it would likely never happen again. Her eyes opened slowly and she took in the new shadows beginning to stretch over the room. "Mmmm....I think we fell asleep."

"I think you're right." She was relieved that Willow seemed unfazed by their closeness.

It took a few moments for Willow's mind to jump-start. When she finally realized the time, she sat upright with a start. "Crap."

So much for not freaking out. "Are you okay?" Tara's stomach was already turning sour at the situation. She pushed herself upright and scooted backwards until she was stopped by the front of the couch.

"Oh! Um..fine. Just um....I should get going. Work tomorrow," she blurted out.

Tara was thoroughly confused and couldn't help wondering if Willow was as well. "Uh...sweetie? Tomorrow is Sunday...and you work for yourself."

She called me sweetie. Okay do not get hung up on pet names. You do not have time for this. You need to get out of here before you have a complete meltdown. "Oh...yeah."

So this is how it's gonna end? "Willow? If you want to leave, you," she swallowed, "you don't have to make something up." She cursed her inability to speak. Tears threatened to emerge at any moment. "Just go."

Willow's eyes widened as she realized the effect her reaction was having on Tara. "Dammit." She reached for Tara's leg and was not surprised when the blonde pulled away. Still, the gesture stung. She sighed and dropped her hand. "I'm sorry. This," pointing at herself, "whole spaz out is not you."

"It's okay." It wasn't, but if this was going to end badly, Tara thought, it might as well end quickly too.

"No it isn't." She took a deep breath and stood up. The situation made her too fidgety to sit still and since Tara didn't want to be near her, she began to pace. "Okay the thing is...I um...I don't like to be out at night. So my mini episode a minute ago had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me freaking out figuring out how I'm going to get home."

"I don't understand." Tara sat up and looked at her for the first time since the whole fiasco. "This isn't some Cinderella and the pumpkin chariot thing?"

Willow couldn't help but smile. "I wish." She walked back toward Tara and knelt in front of her. Hesitantly she placed a hand on each knee, "I promise you I'll explain everything, but right now..." Her eyes drifted to the window and the darkening sky just beyond the glass.

"Stay." Both women were surprised by Tara's invitation, but she quickly regained control. "I know I can't offer you much more than a couch, but I'll listen." She could tell Willow was still unsure. "The way I see it, you aren't in a condition to drive right now anyway. So you stay for now. If you change your mind, I'll take you home."

Truth be told, Willow didn't really want to leave. Only a few minutes earlier she nearly damaged their friendship beyond repair, yet now Tara was offering her an olive branch. She swallowed hard and nodded. "I'm thinking now would be a good time to break open the wine."

Tara smiled and patted the tops of Willow's hands. "I have glasses and an opener." She watched quietly and responded with a lopsided grin when Willow made no effort to move. The redhead's position made it impossible for her to stand on her own. "In the other room," Willow nodded, "which is not here."

Finally registering Tara's words, Willow leaned back slightly and pushed herself up. "Sorry." She leaned down to help Tara stand.

Willow's anxiety was palpable and she looked at her intently. "I'll be right back."

Once the blonde walked away, Willow resumed her nervous pacing. She stopped abruptly when Tara coughed while re-entering the room. "Sorry."

"It's okay." She motioned with her head toward the couch. "Sit?"

"Okay." Willow returned to the blanket and picked up the pillow she rested on earlier. Setting it against the arm of the chair, she sat and twisted until she was snug in one corner. Tara handed her the glasses before sitting at the other end.

After settling in to her corner Tara leaned forward to retrieve the bottle and went to work opening it. She felt Willow's eyes watch her intently, "Say when." She began pouring and was surprised when Willow stopped her so close to the edge. Not really blaming her, though, she poured her own glass to match. Once she set the bottle back on the floor, she reached out and took her glass from Willow. Leaning back, she pulled her legs up and crossed them and looked over at the redhead, "So..."

"So," Willow shifted uneasily and took a sip of wine. She pulled her legs up close to her chest and rested her arms over her knees. "Did I mention being really sorry?"

"Willow, it's okay." Tara raised the glass to her lips. "Mmmm. This is good."

"Thanks. Eating alone provides many opportunities to sample different wines." Her brow crinkled. "That sounded far less whiny in my head. So...I should probably dive in to 'Why Willow is afraid of the dark' now."

"You don't have to," Tara's curiosity was piqued, but she didn't want to push Willow in to sharing something she'd regret.

"I want to. I mean I wasn't deliberately not telling you. It's just not something I like to talk about and isn't easy to bring up." Tara stretched out one leg, brushing her toes over Willow's. "Right. Sorry. We haven't talked much about dating..."

Okay, that's so not where I saw this going. "I guess not."

"Well I don't date. To be honest, I don't go out much at all beyond going to my publisher's and running the occasional errand. Indirectly, that's why I pay a ridiculous amount of money for take out." She smiled across at the blonde.

"I'm not sure I see the connection," Tara said honestly.

"Did I ever warn you about my tendency to jump topics like a grasshopper when I'm nervous?" She lifted her toes and planted them over Tara's foot.

"Willow. Don't be nervous. I'm not going to judge you." She stretched out her other leg and slid her foot across the couch to join Willow's, sandwiching them between her own.

"I know. You've never been anything but nice to me. Okay, here goes." She sighed, "About eighteen months ago I was dating someone. Nothing serious. A couple dinners, a few drinks. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it just didn't feel like something I wanted to continue so I broke it off. A few days later I started getting these phone calls. They were the standard 'What did I do wrong?' and 'Give me another chance.'. I always meant it to be casual and I don't like leading people on so I just said 'no' and moved on."

Tara nodded, "Understandable."

"It was stupid, but it's not like I was never a teenager. Sure it was immature, but hardly the kind of thing that leads to a meltdown. Eventually they stopped and I assumed that was the end of it. A few weeks later they started up again. Mostly hang-ups, but sometimes there was music in the background or someone crying. They were weird and frankly kinda creepy."

Tara didn't anticipate anything so serious and immediately felt bad for joking earlier. "That's terrible."

"Yeah, especially living alone. Kinda puts a girl on edge. Still...they were just stupid phone calls. Before all this happened I probably got five calls a month on my land line. I broke down and added caller ID to my phone plan. It didn't stop the calls, but at least I didn't have to listen to them anymore. The other weird thing is the calls didn't originate from the same number. I kept a tablet by the phone so I could write down the different numbers and then I'd try to tie them back to the messages on my voicemail."

"Seems like just the thing a mystery writer would do." So far, Willow appeared to have handled the situation with the right amount of caution and curiosity.

Chuckling, "Uh huh. It all just seemed so surreal. I eventually went to the police, but at that point I could only file a nuisance grievance. Especially since the calls changed locations, there was no way to prove the culprit. A few calls to the phone company led us to pay phones around my neighborhood. The cops said it was probably an annoyed neighbor and I should keep my music turned down and it would probably go away."

"Tell me you're kidding." Tara couldn't believe how callous they were being. A group sworn to serve and protect were instead flippant. "It almost sounds like you had a stalker and they're acting like it's nothing."

"I guess to them it was nothing. So I went home and returned to my life. It was harder to pretend nothing was happening. Now I knew how close to home all this was and it didn't seem there was anything I could do." She paused to take a long drink from her glass and watched Tara do the same. "I continued to keep my phone log and expanded it to include the number, the day, the time, and the frequency. I went so far as to break it down on my computer to see if there were any patterns."

"Were there?"

"Maybe. I'm not sure. I plotted where the phones were located in relation to my apartment and it seemed like the evening calls were always the closest." She reached up and rubbed her eyes, feeling a weariness settle behind them. "It got a little more 'Fatal Attraction' soon after. I changed my number which gave me about a week of peace. Maybe it was paranoia, but it started feeling like I was being watched. Definitely made me more cautious when I went out."

Tara frowned, "Did you report it?"

"Not at first. I mean what could I say? It's not like I had proof anything was happening. For a short time I wondered if I might really be going crazy. Then flowers showed up on my doorstep. The next week it was a stuffed animal or some other stupid trinket." Her eyes were aimed at Tara, but the faraway look told her that Willow was seeing something else entirely.

It was difficult for Tara to remain quiet through the retelling and she could only imagine how much worse it was for Willow to share. She was angry and frustrated by what she heard. The sinking feeling she felt in the pit of her stomach told her the worst was yet to come.

"At least it was something I could see and it gave me enough to file a report. You wanna know the really scary thing?" She didn't wait for a response, "No return addresses or delivery confirmations. They just sat there on my doorstep waiting for me. I boxed everything up and gave it to the police. I'm sure it sat and collected dust, but at least it wasn't sitting in my home."

"What happened next?" Tara slipped her feet from beneath Willow's and rested them on either side of her ankles, effectively embracing her.

"More of the same. I'd be harassed mercilessly one week and left alone the next. Very cat and mouse. One night I was coming home late. I guess my guard was down and before I realized what was happening I was being shoved through the door of my apartment. There was intense pain and then I remember waking up in the hospital."

Even as Tara braced herself for the inevitable progression, she still did not truly anticipate that outcome. She struggled to swallow the lump in her throat, but found she couldn't. "Oh, Willow," she croaked.

Though difficult, Willow felt a weight lift from opening herself to Tara. It was her deepest violation, a still haunting fear, but knowing it was no longer standing between them brought about calm. She sipped her wine and when she looked up, she was surprised to see tears streaming down Tara's cheeks. "You're crying."

Tara didn't realize it at first; though it seemed a logical response to hearing that some...sociopath...hurt Willow. Emotionally. Physically. For months some guy that couldn't take 'no' for an answer terrorized the beautiful redhead. Through blurred vision, she finally saw the scars of a haunted woman that always lingered just below the surface. How did I miss those? "I..."

Willow was touched by Tara's emotional response. She set her glass down and reached for one of Tara's feet, squeezing it between her hands. "It's okay, Tara. I mean it isn't, but you shouldn't...Don't pity me."

"I...I don't." She used the back of her hand to wipe away her tears. "I would never...pity you. I will mourn what was taken from you. No one deserves what happened to you, Willow. No one."

Though she felt some vulnerability letting Tara in, she also felt safe in the woman's presence. "Thank you," she said shyly. "So there's the explanation of why I pay too much for take out, avoid social engagements, and completely freak out on a perfectly nice woman who thought she was just having a picnic with a friend."

"Don't pick on yourself for this. I can't imagine what the last year of your life has been like."

Her voice lowered even further. "I haven't written a thing of substance since it happened. My publisher understood at first, but now..." She shrugged, "I suspect they think I'm just another difficult writer."

Tara set her own glass down and pulled her feet back. She swung her legs over the edge of the couch and scooted closer. There was a brief hesitation before lifting Willow's legs up and over her own lap. Willow sat up in response and Tara reached around, pulling the smaller woman in to her arms. "Only you know when you're ready."

When Willow felt Tara's strong arms lock around her, she sighed. Her head came to rest again on Tara's shoulder. Searching her memory, she could not recall the last time she felt this comforted and protected. She reached up and placed her hand on one of Tara's arms, brushing across the soft skin. "Thank you."

Tara squeezed her tighter, irrationally believing that if she didn't, the redhead would somehow fade away. "So that's when you moved in to your apartment?"

"Uh huh. The Fort. That's what Xander calls it." She chuckled. "Right after it happened I sort of barricaded myself for awhile. It was irrational, but I just couldn't bring myself to leave. When we were kids, Xander used to make me play cowboys and Indians so he nicknamed it 'The Fort' so I wouldn't feel so bad."

"Have I mentioned that I like Xander?" Tara smiled and placed a light kiss along her hairline before she realized her actions.

If Willow was bothered by the gesture, she didn't show it. "Yeah. The whole gang was really good after. Dawn was already out here and Buffy and Xander were on the next plane. My ex, Ben, helped find this apartment. Having friends around made it easier when the cops said they couldn't do anything."

Tara stiffened, "What do you mean they couldn't do anything?"

The redhead sighed heavily. "Did I mention I was attacked from behind? Other than my insistence, there was no proof. I didn't see the attacker and in spite of what they tell you about physical evidence on 'Forensic Files' there was no trace anyone was ever there. Other than...you know..."

"I know I'm about a year late, but I'm here if you ever want to talk...or not talk. Whatever you need." She felt Willow relax in her arms and she gently rubbed her back while keeping her close.

Willow felt relief at those words. Why would I expect anything else? She returned the blonde's embrace then laid back on the couch so she could look at her. "You're pretty special, you know that?"

The emerald gaze was intense and Tara blushed. "No. Just a...friend?" Why did the word excite and sadden her all at once?

"Definitely." She reached for one of Tara's hands and began absently stroking the warm skin. "I kinda feel like we've been enrolled in Willow 101 tonight."

"I like learning more about you." She gave Willow a lopsided grin and used her free hand to run along Willow's legs.

"My turn now." Her eyes twinkled as she considered various strategies to obtain the most concentrated Tara-data.

"Should I be afraid?" It was strange how easily they moved from such serious, unpleasant topics in to a comfortable place. Her fingers tingled where Willow rubbed them and her free hand continued circular patterns on the side of her thigh.

"I don't know. You got any deep, dark secrets?" She waggled her eyebrows for emphasis.

"Guess you'll just have to wait and see." Oh there are a few that might raise those eyebrows, Miss Rosenberg.

"Hmmm....favorite color?" Willow decided to start with the basics and work her way up.

"Purple. You?" Eyes drifted to their hands. Willow put them palm to palm, entwining their fingers and then sliding the tips down Tara's.

The question drew her attention away from the actions, and she scrunched her nose in disapproval. "Hey! This is my game. No cheating, but for the record it's blue." Their eyes met as she answered.

Tara couldn't be sure, but it seemed there was something deeper in Willow's answer. Don't go looking for something that isn't there. "So you did all that build up to find out my favorite color?" she teased.

"Well I thought I'd start small and work my way up, but fine. I'll give you a form for the basics and skip ahead." She winked, clearly enjoying her game. "Perfect date?"

Her mouth parted to answer until she registered the question. What? "What?" Where did that come from?

"You know. Like if you closed your eyes and pictured a really good date, what would it be?" Willow noticed a flush creeping in from behind Tara's ears and in to her cheeks. Secretly, she loved the way Tara was so open in one moment and suddenly shy the next. She felt giddy every time the woman reddened and guiltily looked for ways to bring it out during their time together.

"Well...um..." At first thought the question seemed silly, but now that she was considering it more intently she realized that Willow was far sneakier than she appeared. "Hmm...I'm kind of a scary movie junky. Did I tell you that?" Willow shook her head and Tara continued. "Not so much in to the gory stuff. That is more Matt's department. I prefer the creepy, suspenseful ones that give you goosebumps."

"Okay." Willow nodded along. There's that Matt person again. Non-boyfriend Matt... "So how exactly does this fit in with your date?"

"Oh, well...I guess if I picked a good date it would be getting a really good scary movie, my favorite takeout, and nesting on the couch..." She stopped when Willow raised a hand to interrupt.

"Just want to make sure I understand. You could make up some big romantic night with wine and flowers and carriage rides, but instead you're choosing dinner and a movie?" When Tara frowned, Willow tried to backtrack. "I don't mean it's bad, it's just...simple?"

Tara ducked her head and her hair fell forward. "I guess I'm just a simple girl," she shrugged. "It's not that those things you described aren't nice. It's just...with all that stuff it's an evening about being show-y. If I were imagining my perfect date it would be more about the company and doing something we both enjoy."

Willow nodded. "Good answer. Points for creativity."

That garnered a full laugh from the blonde. "Plus..." She leaned over conspiratorially, "You know if she startles easily then the door opens for extra snuggles."

She? Even in Willow's head, she squeaked. Okay, calmness is needed here. "She?" The question was casual, greatly contrasting the torrent of new thoughts firing in Willow's brain.

Crap. Did I say she? Well you must have doofus. Okay she's not running for the door. It's fine. "Um...yeah? Does that bother you?" Tara was beginning to experience mild vertigo and pulled her hand from Willow's knee to rub her head.

She's freaking out now. Do something. "What? Tara, no." Willow reached for Tara's hand, pulling it away from her face and back in to her grasp. "Tara, please look at me." The blonde turned slowly, her eyes cloudy and revealing her vulnerability. "Oh, Tara. Nothing about you bothers me."

"Are you sure?" Tara was afraid of what she would see now in Willow's eyes and was surprised to find the same warmth that was always there. If anything, that care and concern seemed just a little deeper.

You have a very small window to make this right. Don't blow it. Willow took a breath to organize her thoughts. "I guess I was just surprised." She saw Tara's puzzled expression. "You talk about Matt a lot and I know you said it's platonic, but I guess I must've made up a history in my mind. I just sort of assumed..." The blonde was slowly beginning to relax and a new expression came across her face.

"Did you forget my gross out the last time we discussed this?" A smile was just tipping the corners of her mouth.

"I know, but I'm that way with Xander and Oz. Like we're good friends now and like hanging out, but just thinking about being a couple..." She made a dramatic shiver for emphasis. "Just...no."

"Point taken, but no. I um...I've never been with a..." Eyes broke away and fell toward the couch, embarrassed by her almost admission.

"Hey. Tara, it's okay. Your experiences are yours and you shouldn't ever be ashamed of anything you've done or haven't done. I think it's cool that you've always known what you wanted." She smiled softly at the blonde.

Tara closed her eyes. When she opened them, the fog was lifted, leaving behind shimmering blue as deep as the ocean. "I was nervous about telling you," she admitted.

"Why?" A flash of concern touched her features as she considered the reasons why she might make Tara feel uncomfortable.

"It's just..." Tara struggled for a way to explain. "It's not like I'm just 'coming out' or anything. I've had some bad reactions in the past. I know that we haven't known each other that long but I didn't want to lose you."

"Tara. Don't ever think that. As far as I'm concerned, I'm here for the long haul." Feeling a little levity was needed, she winked. "Just try to get rid of me."

Willow's efforts worked and Tara smiled broadly in response. She leaned over and pulled the redhead in to her arms, hugging her warmly. Willow happily returned the embrace. When they separated, Tara looked as if she still had something on her mind.

"Yes?" Willow looked back expectantly.

"Are we okay like this?" Her hair fell forward, creating a thin veil before her eyes.

A crinkle appeared just above Willow's nose. "I don't think I'm following."

"I mean the touching and the hugging and stuff?" There was not the same level of emotion behind this question as the earlier one, but still, Tara held her breath. I don't know what I'll do if she says stop.

Emerald orbs sparkled back at her, light...teasing. "What? All your friends don't sit in your lap?"

Grinning, "Only the cute ones." Crap. Hello mouth? Foot calling. I'm waiting at the entrance. "Sorry."

"Doofus." Willow nudged her. "Because all girls hate being called cute."

"I didn't...I mean..." Tara gave up trying to explain and nodded. Pointing to herself, "Doofus."

Willow gave Tara her best pout. "Here I thought I was special." Tara nudged her and she giggled. Though she was doing her best to reassure the blonde, she felt like she could do more. She leaned back down, "C'mere." When Tara looked at her in confusion she held open her arms, inviting the blonde in to them.

She hoped that Willow wouldn't be scared away, but didn't expect to be accepted so unconditionally. Her body moved slowly as she adjusted her position to lie next to Willow. When her cheek met a soft cottoned shoulder, she sighed contentedly. I could die completely happy.

"I know we've been teasing and that's good." Willow ran her hand down Tara's arm and dragged it slowly back up. She took a deep breath, hoping to build her courage, "But I think you should know how much..." swallowing hard, "how much you mean to me." Her voice was low and raw as she continued. "Before I met you...I don't know...I was just sort of going through the motions."

"Yeah?" Tara coaxed her to share more, losing herself in the feeling of being in Willow's arms while the redhead confided her private most thoughts.

"Yeah." She slowed her movements until her arms rested snugly around Tara. "The sadder part, I think, is I didn't even realize it until you ended up on my doorstep."

"I didn't do anything special, Will." In spite of her best efforts, her eyes were fluttering closed. She breathed deeply, becoming light-headed as Willow's scent invaded her senses.

"That's 'cause you were just being you. Turns out...'you' is exactly what I needed." She grinned just out of Tara's sight.

"Happy to oblige." Tara tried to remember the last person she felt so at ease with. It wasn't that she'd never snuggled with someone or shared her feelings, but she couldn't remember experiencing both with one person.

"Are you sure you're okay with me staying?" She already knew the blonde's answer, but asked more to hear her confirmation.

"Of course. You're always welcome here." Tara shifted slightly, allowing more of Willow's warmth to press against her. Her arm moved slowly across Willow's mid-section and they rested in comfortable silence.